The life in this hole

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The tendency of becoming lazy didn’t start to court me recently. Over the years, it has been tagging at the hem of my coat. Fate has hurled laxity at my face every time I seemed to get subtle. And this has always made me to regress, and become that person that is not me. It makes me a captive, makes me wanna run, drives me crazy, washes my face with despair and elbows out my energy so that I remain like a can shaken dry of its contents.

During certain times, I feel life squeezing my innocence out of me. It murders the young luxurious spirit in me that sides with me when I want to flourish. When life rapes me this way, there is no way to move out of that cornered position so that I can embrace emancipation by its whole structure.

You might wonder why I always talk about being lazy. It is not that it is my favourite subject. But to say the truth, laziness is like that well dressed guest in my life that talks less but can’t be ignored. There are so many things that laziness can do to a person. It is the way to your deep ends, desperation, suicide, begging, and demotivation.

What makes someone lazy? Why does someone become lazy? Why does someone thrive in laziness? How does a lazy person feel? What drives a lazy man?

I can answer these questions perfectly. Laziness is bitter-sweet. It has its joys and then its bitter downs that sweep you off with misery. The joy of lazing around is feeling good. Work can be hectic and extremely exhausting. It makes men and women equally desperate and wiped out. It makes you lick someone’s ass for you to live well.

On the other hand, laziness is a disease. It tears and wears you. It opens so many fissures that didn’t exist before. It throws you into zones engulfed by calamity. It eats you piece by piece. It guarantees you free time with your wretched thoughts so that you have to think everything existing within and without the Nirvana. When you enter this space, it is risky to both your body and your soul.

You have heard people with old souls? If you don’t have one your day is coming soon. These souls have traversed various timelines that are beyond their age. They think beyond the boundaries that they should cover at that age. And this has to do with the future. Thinking a lot about the future welcomes fear.

When fear starts reigning in you, you lose the will to live. You despair because you’ve probably examined and evaluated all the possibilities of you ever achieving your dreams and discovered that there is nothing for you in the future. While the possibility of thinking about the future is innate, idly using all your time on it is disastrous.

The truth of the matter is that no one understands what will happen in the immediate or far future. That is why it is advised that we focus most on the present and keep our hope for a better future burning brightly. Old souls tend to ignore this tenet, going past the present dictations and wallowing in the mish mash of the future that none has no knowledge about.

What if you knew that you will die tomorrow? What if you knew everything that will happen in your life in the future? What if you had the power to predict future life happenings? It will be an amazing thing for many to possess such kind of willpower and skill. In essence, the lack of understanding about our future helps us to live better. This lack is a zester. Without it then you become an old soul. You indulge your life in despair.

Old souls have died more than once. They have been buried and resurrected many times. They have known what the world looks like at its worst and its joy when it’s at the epitome. They have learnt that life can get bad really quick. When it does, it can crumble a man even if he is 10’ tall. It has no reservations and it takes anyone by surprise.

Bad life features nothing but constant avarice. It is the kind of life that grinds a man’s body with the teeth of a lion without tearing the meat out. This life drenches a man in captivity. It drains his blood and weight. It makes him emaciated and bored and helpless. But no man chooses to find themselves in this alley that entertains thugs who hack living men.

It must be understood that one day you’ll have to fall into this well and drown for days. In those days, you will freeze with stress, desperation and the will to die. In this small town, people can’t see tomorrow. It is a town heavily clouded with unending sadness. It is dark in there. The sun never shines.

People living in that town soak in tears all day. They try to occupy themselves at times to run away from themselves. They try reading books, playing games, chatting, and many other thing other things that can provide relieve. Instead, they end up more desperate and sad.

They feel abandoned. They feel alone in this world. No one gives a hoot about them or their demons. The outside word shuts you out. So you try to shut it out because it brings more grief into your life. You want to run and never look at it again. It abandoned you when you needed it most.

You realize you don’t have any true friends. The ones that used to be will be out there having a time of their lives, forgetting your cords that once connected them to you. You get mad at them, that they can forget you in your time of need.

You will spend time in that hole. You don’t come out easy once you fall in. You never realize when you are falling in. one day you’ll wake up in its dark, ugly space. You will hide in there. No one will know. Only you and your young soul. A soul that will age with time because that hole will age it. It will bring wrinkles upon your soul and stress it, batter it, hurl it at the wall repeatedly, trample over it, and then when it doesn’t die, it will leave it charred, old, ugly and strong.

Most of us have been in that hole. We have seen the worst the world can offer. We’ve learnt lessons that we are alone in this world no matter what. We have been in situations whereby we think it is the end of us. Times when you have given up in life and all you want to do is lie down and wait for the worst to happen. More often than not, that worst thumps your door almost immediately. It pins you down and strangles you.

You can’t breathe normally. You don’t shower or get out of your house. You eat a lot or not eat at all. Many times you get so broke that being broke dogs out of the friendship. You don’t wanna talk to people or even see them. You get bored easily. You are moody. You think no one cares for you. Though you want the world to mourn with you and share your grief. You ask yourself why the world is watching you die yet does nothing to rescue you.

Those are the times that challenge every soul alive. You bake and roast on coals of life’s worst tragedies alone. No one comes to pick your burnt body out of the fire. You wanna die.

One day, your body will renew itself. The fire will burn you but you’ll find a way to make it out alive. You take time to heal and patch your injuries. You nurse yourself to full recovery. Your body and energy will start returning slowly. You will rip your old, torn clothes apart and burn them. You’ll find new ones and wear them.

Then you’ll clean your house, arrange it and then draw the curtains to allow the sun to dispel the darkness in your house. You’ll open the windows and the doors to welcome in new and fresh air to replace the dampness that used to be your greatest ally. Then you’ll brew some coffee and pour yourself some in a tall mug.

You will then walk out of the door and kiss the sunlight with all your body. That will be the start of your new freedom. You’ll definitely like the smell of it. You will place your cup down on the ground and open your arms wide and let the sun rays press against your skin so that they can burn all that rust stowed away inside you, to burn all the embers of life’s worst and fill you with newness and strength. That will be your story.

Your life will pick a new dimension. You’ll have a new understanding of life, and the things that you don’t wanna flirt with in your life. You’ll know to smile moderately, feel happy and how to treat the world. You won’t rush to things, you will take time to dig them out, you will not question things or judge them. You’ll have known better. You’ll have learnt your lesson, that life can go really bad any time.

Down this path, you’ll have become wiser.

Have you ever been in this situation?



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Mzangila Snr

The supreme hunter in captivity

Where shall we go, we who wander in this wasteland in search of better selves?

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About Mzangila

Mentor, media consultant, photographer, editor, poet, writer, and counselor.

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