Coming Out Of The Closet

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It is amazing how life takes different twists with each morning we see. We do not have the future figured out, the circumstances are innumerable and our wishes do not necessarily align with the reality. Damn, I wish we could own that power to foretell of the future so that we can curve the road leading to tomorrows beforehand. Then life would not need change of strategy or resolutions or even impulsive decisions that arise in contingent situations. But since we do not possess that ability, our lives flare up to unexpected situations. We have to change tactics often to combat the new issues that mar our happy moments.

But again when you examine life, if you ever do, sometimes it’s not about happiness but staying alive. We strive to stay alive. Happiness comes later when other essential things have been fulfilled such as staying alive. At times you hold on, you hang on to things, a job, a drug, just to stay alive. Of the two staying alive is more important.

And right now life is flaring on my face with faded light. Incandescently changing the trajectory of my life. Due to this I have had to choose the paths I never thought I would traverse some day in my life. The decisions I never thought made sense, but right now they do as they are the right ones to make, if at all I want to stay alive. I was meant to make them someday- which is today.

I know you have been here before, many of you, or you are closing in to this era yet, where you are caged, you feel comfortable at the same time denied the liberty to stay alive and be happy. In that cage you can manage to stay alive but at the same time you are dying slowly. The gods of death linger around, they hover over your head praying detesting that you shouldn’t have one more day for a breath. I’m stuck in there.

For the longest of time my character has been put to test. My patience has been examined. My honesty has been weighed on a time machine. My generosity tempted beyond the normal threshold, and generally everything that can describe a human being in me has been put under duress to test how brittle my composition is. Obdurate. Someone that cannot be broken easily because he exhibits adaptation of every situation just to stay alive when others are perishing. Trying to stay a step ahead of others so that they don’t get to your map before you fold it into your pocket.

Despite that, in this life there is always that one person who makes you vulnerable. They know all your thumbscrews and weak points. If they decided to lay you bare so that you can smoke in January’s heat strokes, they can easily achieve that. And I’ve been wary of these people. They make me paranoid, resulting into fearing for my life.

Trust me today I didn’t go into the bathroom before I did this article. I usually make major decisions about my life in there, I no longer whistle like I used to- the tiny room has become my only friend who helps me make choices concerning my life. People can help you make these choices, but they always leave you even more confused. The infusion of my life with that of that small room creates something more than just a thought, something real.

I have lived a life full of illusions. Illusions I created because I don’t like abiding by the rules. In this world, I make my own. Daring you would say. Risky is the kind of situations I pull into my life. But the worst I ever did is to conceive an idea of not making enemies. For you to have no enemies easily translates that you have to please everyone, kiss every ass because if you don’t you’ll make one great enemy. To flavor that, I have never made real enemies in my life.

All my fights end up in a settlement. So that I do not leave a trail of pissed off fugitives waiting in an alley for my neck, or someone trailing my ass and I have to look over my shoulder often to see if I can spot a suspicious face. I wanted to avoid that till today.  In doing all these my life has stood no chance of getting to exploit myself to full potential.

So a few days ago I was chatting with someone, a person who always makes me feel inferior because they can strip me to the last bloomers. Leaves me suffocating on my own words and there is always an urgent temptation to fight back into glory. Which in any case makes me lose the fight. It turns uglier and the more we talk the more I feel naked. Now, there was this point that I was left really romped because our conversation had escalated to what they (I do not want to specify the sex because it will result to something uglier) call “just one more word and I’ll shut up that bitch’s mouth.” So I called quits.

All along I have felt like I was obligated to answer or text back immediately if a person tried to reach me. It is what I expect. Until today, I discovered I had the choice to or not to. Nobody had a gun by my ribs or neck. I did not have someone’s kidney so that I had to reply almost instantly. A sudden surge of relief hit me when I did not reply. And for the first time in life I discovered that I had all the power over my life in my hands. I had it all right there. Only that what counted is how well or bad I could wield it to make a difference. What a road to freedom!

Yesterday I slept well and heavily. I woke up late with no headaches, my mood was different. I believe it is because I recalled that I still held most of the cards of my life in my hands, that I was the main player in the game of life.

So this is what I have decided upon this discovery. First things first- no kissing asses. I swear I’m not doing that anymore, okay, let us not go into that swearing. Having grown up with so many beliefs, including that I had to please everyone, I am to shed some of those on the way. No more pleasing people. I want to make enemies, call it irrational. I want to intentionally be that guy I have always craved for because in real sense that is what I was to be- a boogeyman sort of, but in cool terms, a badass.

I want to pick on people intentionally and then punch them on the nose. I want to fight, knock people off and feel good about it. There is this thing I resist doing, point a straight finger onto someone’s nose and push them. I want to do that badly. So that they can know I’m that guy who shoves fingers into people’s noses if he gets pissed off. I want to chew their fingers if they piss me.

Let us not forget. I have not used my middle finger to its full potential, except in bed to a girl- I want to empower it to its full-blown potential, so that it can show up its face in the streets when someone crosses my path. It will be relentless, it will come out with a confident face and dare men and women who try to intimidate me, because it will be my other shield that sheaths me from wrath.

Someone said that I’m uptight, yes I am. Now I want to get loose. No more rules, no more morality lessons to make me feel that there isn’t a thing I won’t do. I want to bang enough bitches, have fun as much as I can, beat people as much as possible, get bruised every damn day (it will make me tougher). I want to get horny, get cocky, have kinky hair, grow a huge beard, stick a toothpick in my mouth all day, sag my baggy jeans, greet whoever I want but not everybody, stop the being clean shit and generally be the baddest boy.

I want to break more rules, become scandalous, high tempered, spiteful and vengeful. I do not want to apologize to the world for who I am. Rather I want the world to respect me and ennoble me with reverence, feel frightened by my gutsiness, to walk on its knees in my presence because in this world I have a space which I never really called mine. Other people resided in my space and they didn’t feel like paying the rent. This time I want to stoically claim that territory that belongs to me, wage war with the magnates of this world who want to hoard other people’s space. I want to belong, to be part of the nirvana that the world bestowed to be enjoyed by all. And to do that I have to kick them out by their knuckles.

In the same breadth I want to dare everyone who thinks that I am mentally deranged to start recommending me psychology sessions. I want them to come and retort on my face that I am emotional, and that I’m making a dreadful mistake. So that I can shove that middle finger in their ass, and when they wince in that pain, and in that moment of stinging torment and imploring, look them in their contorted faces and tell them to get their shit together first. If they were so caring they would have showed me this light before everyone else used me as a toilet paper because they knew I could give in to avoid fights. That would have rescued me before I discovered the way by myself. They should have been there for me, but they were busy living sweetly.

There is a lot to say of the many things I wanna say, things I wanna be, the things that would change my life completely, but they cannot all fit in this space. Most importantly I wanna be the rebel that got rejected by enjoyed life. The insurgent who forged war singlehandedly but didn’t fret. The dissenter who failed to agree with compact majority but found the hidden treasures of his life.

One thing I’ll not do is to smoke or drink because that is not what I want.  I want to be the free atom who is not afraid to make enemies, or the dude who not is afraid to chuck home with a broken nose. I just want to be me, shed all these pretentious, malicious and imbecile, fake friends and make new buddies. And if I can live a world with no rules.

I want to ignore those texts, those calls, those promises, the commitments, the responsibilities, the expectations- but not the desires, or the wants, or the wishes, or the pursuit, or the fundamentals of freedom, because in this journey everything else is vanity- and in this world of disguise and deception, anything is possible-only you got to choose your own destiny, staying alive or being happy.

 

Let’s hook up next Wednesday, Cheers!

Mzangila Empire.

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About Mzangila

Mentor, media consultant, photographer, editor, poet, writer, and counselor.

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