A lifetime with a feminist

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Thanks to all men who are taking part in this conversation: Feminism.

Until I found no value in attacking women for obvious reasons (I was wicked and angry, broken and vengeful), I was what people called a brute misogynist. When I first started approaching women, things were greatly odd with me, how I projected myself and my lines were so terrible that girls belittled me. I had no luck with girls.

Therefore, I spent many months if not years thinking that I was not enough. There is nothing as worse as thinking that you amount to nothing. Once your self-esteem is kicked in the nuts, your entire life’s meaning diminishes. Suddenly, you become good at nothing. Nothing you can ever do will ever be good. You will never think that you can do anything that good. You brand yourself a loser, a good for nothing fellow, living on the edge of despair and desperation; waiting for redemption that might never come.

I have come a long way as a human being. I have been having a hard time dealing with issues when they pop up. Whether it is death, a heartbreak, a loose situation or an appalling case, I tend to pretend that it never happened. I heap all these things inside me for years, waiting to sort them out when the time is right (right time never comes). The right time for me can be when I cry my pain out, when I whine, when I write, when I revenge or when I beat myself up for shit I didn’t do.

Before all these therapists and shrinks, my way of dealing with shit was to revenge (if the situation was worth it).  If someone wronged me, I made sure they paid for their mistakes. It could take days, weeks, months or years, but I had to seek restitution. The longer you wait, the sweeter the revenge, Secret Lives of Baba Segi’s Wives. Before even Lola Shoneying discovered that revenge is sweeter when you wait, I was already practicing it. I was doing it right from class seven. I was so good at it that I thoroughly enjoyed it.

When girls said no to me because I wasn’t cool enough, I decided to become an enemy. As a writing prodigy (I was one then, now I’m rusty), I chose a niche, misogyny writing- I flourished in it. My social media timelines were full of negativity, abuses and body shaming, all focused on girl child. If any woman, for any reason, were it out of ignorance or by mistake, crossed my line, I beat the shit out of them flat to the ground with words and made them cry in their sleep. Many had to follow me inbox to apologize and request me to pull down my posts. I didn’t care what other people thought, I just beat you publicly and derived so much joy doing it.

Since I was mostly alone, I spent most of my time in the online world, sniffing for trouble so that I could dish out my diction (of nastiness) on them.

Since then, I have had a change of heart, jobs, and therapists. I have grown exponentially. As a human being, I believe I am way ahead of most people. I am proud of this achievement. I have had to struggle to be cool, to let my anger go, to treat others well, to consider others human beings first before anything else, to trust easily, to be friendly, to be nice. I am still having hard time making, maintaining and committing to people. I don’t have to be a perfect being, the things I have achieved so far are enough for me to survive.

Due to this progress, I have come to appreciate the struggle feminists are going through to achieve human status like us men. For so long, most of them have been branded as objects of pleasure, beings that are in the mercy of a man, slaves that depend on a master (man) to survive.

Before we go far, I know there are men wondering what kind of satanic spirit has joined forces with women to convince me to join the bandwagon. I have been in the bandwagon for years. I want to categorically mention that there is a difference between feminism and toxic feminism. I detest the latter.

Over the years, I have become an open-minded person. I have learnt to be an outlier, and to mix with outliers. I have become fond of people who go out of their way to lay down new definitions about what life should be for them. People who have thrown societal expectations in the trunk and drove to new levels, living large and gratifying their sense of life without limiting themselves to what others think should be the standard.

To this reason, therefore, I have dated strong women who changed my life. Women who shaped my character, changed my perspectives on numerous issues and challenged me about the obvious, teaching me to be patient and think things through before rushing into giving replies or making conclusions. It is a beautiful thing to date or even marry a feminist. These are strong women, not physically, but their personal attributes have the strength to migrate Mount Kenya to Nyanza.

A strong woman is fully aware of sheself. She knows the kind of person she is, the kind of life she wants, the kind of person she wants to date or marry, the kind of career to go into and so on. She is not the kind of person who will come to depend on a man. She works so she got money. She treats her man (the right man she chose sheself), she helps pay bills, she takes care of her man the same way a man could take care of his woman.

She is an intelligent woman. Her mind is beautiful, brimming with both intelligence and knowledge. You’re not going to get bored when she opens her mouth. She is going to challenge you, come on, she reads a lot. She is going to put in more ideas on how you could improve your business, she is going to suggest business ideas you two can work on together.

When she is at home, she is gentle and wifely. She is going to be respectful and caring because you’re reciprocating and treating her right. She understands the value of marriage/ friendship and the essence of investing in it for it to work. At home, therefore, she’s going to be the best wife she can be, to the husband she loves, a man who loves her.  She is going to cook good meals for the family, when she can, and when she cannot, as her man you’re going to help out (si you are also eating?)

It is important to notice the changing times. Many things about our physiques might remain the same, but the way we do things will certainly keep on changing. We will still remain men and women. However, the kind of lives we will lead will keep on evolving.

Alluding to this fact, therefore, we cannot claim that we have a certain way of doing things. There is no way we can keep traditions that used to work in 1920s, hoping that things will turn out fine in 21st century. It is important that, as men, we accept change and try to move with time because time demands that we change in order to improve functionality and productivity. There are many men who are adamant to stick to the new world order. Men who still consider themselves macho. Men who want to control their homes like a bank account just because they provide. Why control another person’s life yet they’re not your entity?

These men have refused to grow. They still think that women should humble, kneel down to greet a man and beg him for money when she needs it.  They still want women who will come from work tired, go into the kitchen, cook for them while they (men), throw their legs on the table and watch TV. They want women to wash their clothes, including their under wears and dirty socks, brush their shoes and still help them with their jackets in the morning when going off to work. Women who will not argue with them even when they make foolish, unjustified conclusions. Women who have no say in general decision making.

These are the men who proudly say that ‘mwanaume ni jogoo’ to mean that he can fuck several women while married to his woman and expect the wife to be okay with it. Weak men who get worked up when they see their women talking to another men. Men who stalk their wives phones to see if she is talking to another man, yet they have hundreds of passwords on their phones.

It is good to call a spade a spade. As men, we need to change our ways and embrace new and changing times. We have to change how we view women, not as objects of pleasure but as human beings in need of their personal space. While it is human to connect with the opposite gender, it is also human to make the approach hospitable in a way that recognizes the other person as a human being in totality, and not as someone you’re entitled to have.

What I am not proud of are these women who have twisted the meaning of feminism. These brats now use this as a yard stick to drive men into oblivion. I am not going to put my guard down and entertain this kind, the ones that want men to pay bills because she’s giving pussy.  There have been several instances of women claiming that men and women are or should be equal. When saying it, this statement, it all sounds too correct to cause any hoo-ha. Yet when you think about it keenly, you realize this is vanity, bullshit and wrong from all angles. There will never be a point in life where men and women can be equal.  We can simply try to put it that both genders should be treated with respect. Being equal, in a manner, suggests that our physiques should be the same (that a man can be a woman and vice versa).

Equality should be defined differently. And if it is a word to go by, then I dare women to do things that men were wired to naturally do.

You see society has always put a woman as a fragile figure even when she’s not.  Using this position, as a weaker gender, she has learnt to exploit man. She has learnt to pretend so that she can get her shit done by men. Men have been misused in so many ways that they never have a moment of peace in their lives.

I am happy because feminism will bring an end to this. Women will no longer be at the basement, they will be at par with men, thus relieving man of his duties. This shared responsibility will give man space to also breath, to stop being the only person everyone is looking up to for everything. Men, I therefore dare you to begin dating and marrying strong women. They are going to change your lives in so many ways.

The few women who are professing toxic feminism have led other women to believe that they don’t need men. In the same way, they have victimized men, making them appear as little devils who they deem as the source of all the misery that women are going through. In my line of work, I happen to meet several people, I observe and listen a lot. I hear stories and tales that make my skin feel like running away. And most of these stories include toxic feminists whose marriages didn’t work out.

There are many reasons why relationships fail. It is not necessarily because the other person wronged you. It can be that you were not what they wanted. So it is prudent for them to go and find what they want instead of imprisoning you for nothing. Some women, including men, get bitter when their relationships fail. They feel their partners should not have left them, that they had no right leaving them after all they had been through together. The truth of the matter is that you have freedom to walk out of a situation or relationship that makes your life terrible. You have a right to go after your own pleasure and happiness.

So there are many women out here, single/divorced or even wenye wamekataliwa (or for whichever reason) who are advancing other ideas about men. They want to claim how men are dogs, as if there is someone who is stopping them from being dogs too. These breeds of women are corrosive, perilous and should be avoided. They want to destroy others so that they can feel safety in numbers. Their weapon is turning women against men; telling them how men should be the sole providers, how men should open doors for them, how men should bring them breakfast to bed, how men should pay after demolishing their pussies, how men should buy them cars and palatial homes, how men should take them out to grand restaurants and destinations, how men should have six packs, how men should smell good, how men should dress smartly, how they should date men who drive, how they should put their lust for money first (that it is only money that matters), and all that.

This is sound advice. I would love to do all these to my woman. The question however is, “Are you worthy it? Do you deserve the effort?” You see many women (toxic women) have all these expectations and dreams about the kind of man they want. There is no problem for a girl to dream, but what are you bringing to the table? If equality is anything to go by, if I have a car, you should also have yours. If you want me to fly you out to Barcelona you should also be able to fly me out to Marseille. You must add value to my life the same way I add value to yours. That is the kind of life in this century.

Women are being given means to fight their way through to achieve equality.  Some have brushed their shoulders hard with men who want them to remain stunted on the ground. There is no way you’re going to handle such kind of a strong woman the way you used to handle your village girlfriend. Both men and women have to respect each other, in a way that there is mutual coexistence and not prioritizing dominion.

As men, we have to shed our ego. We have to join hands in order to raise a sane society. We deserve equal rights for everyone. We have to allow others to help us. Part of being a grown up is admitting when you want help. There is nothing wrong in getting financial help from a woman…

If for sure we have to reach congruence in matters humanity, we need to think through different perspectives. We need to embrace change. We need to be open-minded and ready to learn. We must shed our pre-determined expectations and learn to be flexible. We have to understand that most of the ideas we have about life don’t exist. If we put people first before we entertain ideas about people, there is a high chance that feminism can be a great thing for both men and women.

I believe that some things are achievable. Take the challenge.

As I always say, read carefully, but choose what to believe. Don’t take anything personally.

Mzangila Snr,

Where shall we go, we who wander in this wasteland in search of better selves?

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About Mzangila

Mentor, media consultant, photographer, editor, poet, writer, and counselor.

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