Valentine

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You all understand quite unarguably that valentine is just around the corner. Since you all understand what valentine implies, I think you know what to expect. Valentine is just a few days, waiting like a Taliban in a hideout waiting for the right time to strike the enemy.

Valentine is a special day, though not in the calendar of public holidays, it speaks for itself outstandingly. The big reason why valentine can’t be done away with is that ladies have never quit from worshiping it. Of all the memorable days in their lives, valentine is one day that can’t just miss in a lady’s mind diary. I mean seriously, every single lady recognizes the day and has giant and endless expectations running through her brain.

On this extreme, men hardly recognize the day. If asked to vote for the exclusion of the day from our calendars, 100% of them will vote for it to be ousted. Well, for me I am not against valentines, but I am not a fan either. I mean this day is celebrated on 14th February, which simply means on the mid-month when men are on the brink of poverty.

This occasion is all about ladies gaining chances to deplete men’s pocket. This comes with grand gifts, flamboyant treatment, splendid and magnificent joints and of course magic everything. This day every lady finds a man, {even the single ladies attach themselves to some man} and the preparations begin quite early. And men get aware of the changing environment, the hefty love that comes out of nowhere during the period nearing to the day.

I can remember of a few of my past experiences which included receiving the greatest kind of love for a straight period of one week. Hardly did I know that she was sweetening the deal because I was not aware of valentines. I got pampered with every kind of softest treatment ever, starting from getting my food cooked well and on time to getting my clothes ironed every single morning, the unmentionables included. I mean what kind of man does not wanna feel like a king, being treated like you hold the most vital stake of your girlfriend’s life? And with this you can give your woman anything.

During that one week things changed completely. Internally I experienced the change, starting from the stomach which for the first time ate nicely cooked food, like one cooked by a lepalanka chef. My stomach was neatly calm, unlike the previous shaggily and quickly cooked food pieces that gave me terrible rumbles wherever I went. It was a different feeling, my house was airy, fresh and sparkling clean. My girlfriend developed this aura that I had not seen before, smiley and always cheered up.

If only I had known that the end result was the determinant, I would have sniffed the pretense and be real about it. Well, just like other men, I was naïve and probably occupied with the lovey dovey things that my girl wanted us to engage in. I just wished it could last a little bit more, to give me that experience for another few days.

My home was heaven, and whenever I was at work I just wished the time would elapse quickly so that I could plunge home to my lady’s home for the usual massages and saunas she introduced me to. My pocket paid dearly for all these later, you know.

To be honest, this time round I miss all that.

 

POCKET

Man if you love your pocket valentine is a day to really worry about. It is not your day. It is all about your spending thread escalating, and pockets dwindling in the event of unusual spending pattern. Your woman will want expensive gifts, she will beg you to take her to an expensive joint, maybe you will have to buy an air ticket for the first time spending thrice than you ever spent in your whole life.

FROM THE BLUES

Things blow during valentine. The most amazing but exceptional thing is that girls will come out of the blues. Every girl simply wants to hook up, get attached to some dude to take him out. This happens during the week to valentine.

The following are some of the types of girls that will crop up and in a determined sense crawl to your neck for an attachment.

That girl who you annoyed last year and blocked you. At this particular time, a week to valentine, she texts you ‘hey switheart, kunitupa nayo. Valentine unanichukua wapi?’ that is a piece of trash.

She put you in friend zone for a year, and this time she will be bubbling hot. You are in a bus headed to town when a text pops up from WhatsApp, ‘hey handsome, remember valentine is here. What will you get me?’

The girl that has been telling you all the secrets about her life and relationships and stuff but never had you touch her. Hers will be like, ‘hey beb, you wanna tek me out for valentine?’ The list is long.

I mean, the best answer can be ‘screw you bitch, kiss my ass!’ that would paint an unforgettable image in her mind. It is the best strategy to spare your pocket from unplanned cash flow. The bottom-line is that you will have to take care of your pocket.

RED ROSES

The commonest gift meant for valentine is roses, red to be specific. They are the simplest art to show your love towards your partner. It is the sweetest thing you can present to a girl and still maintain the status quo of the man in the relationship. If you want to be loved, you have to buy a rose. You have to or else get a boot.

CONTROVERSY

There has been a controversy surrounding valentine, as to whether it was really meant for the purposes of remarking lovers’ day or celebrating something else. Of course history has always had the evidence but who cares to read it anyway? People no longer want to dispute things simply because they cannot handle the truth behind it.

In the books of history, valentine was meant to serve a different purpose which with time was never honored. The day was a day of celebrating a god, I just don’t know for what but that came from the Romans who had numerous gods that they honored instead of God. So over time the general basic role of valentine changed, and the story people spread around differed greatly from its original role.

I am not here to oppose valentine in any way, but again my point stands that valentine is a controversial occasions that begets false impressions. We should be able to stand out in the light and seek to understand the reality of the situation, to completely know the exact history, origin and the fundamental role meant for valentines day.

 

BUDGET

Some of you might be waiting for valentine day in a breath taking way. I truly understand your troubles. My advice to my lovely ladies is to look for men who have financial freedom, who after valentine won’t start doing financial analysis to determine whether his bank account was intact or depleted.

As a man many of us understand the hassle involved with valentine, considering the fact that we are hustlers. Therefore we have to manage our budget in a very wise way to achieve better results. This why I came up with the following strategies that can quickly make your valentine a splendid day, unforgettable and exemplary.

Below are the sample budgetary packages that you can employ on valentine, have a look.

Strategy one

Gift 15k

Food in Sarova Stanley 25k

Ice cream on the way1k

Transport 5k

End result: broke all month through- no airtime to buzz your drama queen, no transport to work, no cash to buy you a bottle of water on a hot Sunday afternoon, no cash to replace your torn sock or lingerie; you are a broke ass man, and life sucks generally afterwards,

 

Strategy two

Now this is very interesting. You have to be daring to utilize it. Take her out with a simple budget. Just give her a buzz on the day and tell her to meet you at Uhuru Park.

Ice cream 30 bob

Snap 60bob

Ride a horse 100 bob

Run around the trees -free

Lie under a tree and share a deep smooch and fondle her boobs – free

Biscuit – 30 bob

Fare – 50 bob

The end result is quite automatic and we all would like it.

Warning, it only works out for the village queen so be careful not to use an irrelevant strategy on the right woman. It may be an ultimate boot.

Monday: you have good money to last you till the next payday, smiles all over your face and you can happily call your babe and share a laugh or two and even send her some airtime for 10mbs.

Strategy three

Now this is for the crooks, the square pegs in round holes, the crack heads, the hard cores and possibly the carefree niggas.

Just forget valentines day and have a normal day, go to church even and enjoy yourself.

Block her kindly

Or even just switch of your phone just for a day

Next day buy a sorry card plus a small gift and send her 150

The next day you carry these to her place and beg for forgiveness, and then you surprise her with your cheaply expensive gifts.

Finally there you are, a lion with the guts of a jerk that cracks things in a dominating way and easily gets away with it,

Monday: your wallet is very full and you can still afford high table life while every folk is scrambling for the meager remains of everything. Now this is the majestic strategy, platinum.

 

Strategy four.

DISCLAIMER!

You might end up losing the only thing that you hold dear to your heart.

 

Here you have to be extremely lion hearted to exercise this because it is no joke. And afterwards you might never smile again.

Ignore her completely

Don’t switch off the phone but don’t take her calls

You delete her number

The aftermath is a total heartbreak. You acquire a new status, single and ready to mingle. This sounds like a strategy of picking up a chick and then dropping her on the eve of valentine. It means yearly you will be opening a new chapter, all your life. Likewise you can just decide to be single, if you can afford to keep all your emotion inactive.

 

Personally, I will be rolling in strategy five.

never call

never stress myself

will be taken out

just there like a couch potato

The beauty of my strategy is that you will know that your woman loves you. You know when a lady decides to spend on you, that means a lot to a guy and that’s what I am looking forward to. I just want to gauge how deep my woman loves me.

Pointblank

It is not that I don’t have the money, no! I just want to be different and extraordinary. And is that what romance is? That at one time you have to forget the usual and practice the rare phenomenon, and make it special.

Have fun.

-photo credit: mazahub

 

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Hezrons Nyambune
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Hezrons Nyambune

Copy that…she will be here & I wanna test tha waters’ depth this weekend with strategy five. Uh!

jacy
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jacy

mmmmhh……a nyc lrevelation of valentines day,kazi kwenyu wanadada wenzangu..u ain’t lucky any more

Constance Sidi
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Constance Sidi

That’s an hassle.fuck valentines. I don’t need it no more.