Utahama Lini?

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We all have goals. If you never have goals then you are dead because how do you move to the next stage in life? Goals keep us focused and that is why you need to have some, even if it is just one simple goal that you work towards to. Something to give you hope and zest your effort so that you can be on pins and needles.

Only you can make goals because everyone has needs on an individual basis, leaving no room for others to make them for you. You can set higher goals if you want to dream bigger and smaller ones if you’re one of those who court procrastination and laziness. Goals should neither be too big nor too small. They should lie somewhere between too big and too small so that they’re achievable at the end of the specific period you’ve set to achieve them.

Earlier this year, I was struggling to finish my studies. Deep inside, I feared what the world held for me afterward. There was always some feeling in my gut that bespoke of utter fear and shock whenever I thought of post school. This also happened to be a major discussion amongst my friends and classmates who had no idea on what to do after school is over. It is a common phenomenon that fear in most instances kisses each of us in this stage of life where the future is blurry and sheathed in blanket darkness.

My classmates and most of my friends kept telling me that I shouldn’t worry because I had something I had already established that I could hold onto when the curtains come down. Over the years I was in school, I had engaged myself proactively in many roles from leadership, entrepreneurship, orator, motivational speaker and at some point became too popular for reasons I still haven’t discovered. I was the centre of many things. Most of these being consulted on so many things that people needed answers or solutions to. This magnified me more and more.

It reached a point that I had to hide in libraries or computer rooms or in my house just to avoid people and enjoy time for myself, as well as study. I was becoming too common to everyone and everywhere I went, I would bump into people who would lead me to talk for hours, wasting time and losing my head because I was not having enough time to study as well as have my time for personal development.

Being crowned as the writer as well as the most influential student of the year iced my final year with legendary success and being recognized for it. I retired school with these two titles. While everyone saw bravery, ingenuity and a man with a direction in me, inside I was just as afraid as anybody else. My outward image misguided people a lot.

Going back to goals, early in the year, I made a very big goal. These goals has been sleeping, walking and lazing around my brain.  As much as I want to lie down and let my thoughts waft through to a quiet part of this Nirvana and enjoy some undisturbed moments, this goal of moving out never gives me the opportunity.

Before elections, I promised myself that I would move out immediately. At least I thought so to myself. Little did I know that I rent had hiked over that period. Not unless I got mabati shack to start life in. I came close to the idea when I started the search for a house a few weeks ago.

Y’all know that searching for a house is not the easiest task in Nairobi. You’ve got to move deep into dark alleys, go past the road and meet remoteness, throw eyes even where you never imagined you would, walk into and out of compounds, all in search of a house. To be thoroughly honest, I wanted a single room. That is where my life is at right now.

I shed my two days schedule and set on foot with a cousin of mine to look for a new home. The weather had mixed feelings from the morning in both days. Risking being rained on didn’t appear to be an option for us, we got wet. It was that bad. I had a chance to explore and discover new places, now that we stopped being people who love being explorers. We no longer know beyond the way that leads to our homes and streets in town.

Kepha, my cousin, is 1 or 2 years younger than me. But he started living alone from the age of 15 or near there. He’s been through life and shit, done the most terrible jobs you can imagine of, slept in worse conditions you can ever live in, thought of terrible things till now where he’s grown up and learnt that life is not all that smooth and accepted that some days are seductive, others are just ugly…He lives in the moments and glides swiftly.

In this little search, we did in two days, I got hurt. My heart has never been heartbroken like it was. The cheapest house I could afford was valued at 5.5k per month. And mind you, this was situated somewhere interior where I needed to walk because no public means of transport can get me there. Even worse, the network is quite poor. For people like I who entirely depend on the internet for a livelihood in most days, that was heart breaking.

But if you think that left me frustrated then you need to hear this. I entered into this compound where my heart had settled on for quite a while. Every time I passed by from work, I could actually peep into that compound from the bus and whisper at it, wait for me, I am soon coming for you baby. I’m coming, just soon enough. Then I would live in that soft thought and enjoy it. Those crazy things I usually do with my imagination.

I imagined myself living at the top of that tall building. In a bedsitter at the corner. With a small balcony. Every morning I will get my lounge chair (the only chair I would desire to have), drag it to the balcony facing east, and the road at the same time. I would be in my boxers, with a white untied robe wagging itself behind me, following like a shadow. I would then lie on it and enjoy the sun while looking at the next balcony to see if the beautiful girl who lives there will come out. If she does, I will wink at her and say good morning, looks like your bosom increased overnight, what have you been eating that you aren’t sharing with me? She will laugh. You greedy bastard, I’ll continue lightly.

She’ll ask how I am doing and I’ll say I’m just hungry but need to eat some sun before I fix something. Out of a good heart and tenderness that few girls harbor in their hearts, she’ll offer some hot coffee. Since our balconies are far somehow, I’ll ask her to bring it over. Our first kiss will be on that day. And from that day, I’ll never cook in my house again because she’ll be calling and asking, do you mind some meat balls on white rice? In a beautiful and sexy bass, I’ll answer back saying, that meal lacks a drink. Lemme come with something with a long neck. She will giggle and reply, okay handsome.

My dreams were cut short on that day after being told that the rent for the bedsitters was 18k per month, 23k for one bedroom, 32k for two bedrooms and 45k for three bedrooms. Have you ever desired something so bad that one day you decide to go buy it only to get out of the shop without a word when they mention the price? That was the shoe I was wearing that day. A whopping 18k! Damn! If at all I was to rent it, I needed 36k to just have it.

I have never left so quick, disappointed and laughing at myself. Actually, I stopped the search there and went straight home to think again about my decision. In whatever circumstances, I was not ready to move out. For once in my life, the thought of moving to a mabati house hit me. But I told myself, man, you’re cut out for so much better.

So I set a timeline for myself, work harder as I prepare to move out in the next one month and a half. It means sleeping early and waking up early, investing more time in my job and trying to make more cheddar. If I pump all this effort to bleed my account and by the end of the time I will not be able to move, I’ll keep going. The goal has still until December before it reaches expiry date.


Signed with love

Mzangila Snr


Where shall we go, we who wander in this wasteland in search of better selves?


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  1. Well written Justin. Your words are always engaging.

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