The Last Leg

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Exiting the camp.

This piece was supposed to appear yesterday. Before you emblazon lazy-ass on my face, hear me out first. The kind of church I go does not allow me to do much on Saturday, except resting. Normally, I would go to Lavington SDA church for the morning session. In the afternoon, we would be driving aimlessly around ‘kugotea’ peeps. At other times, go to resting joints and waste the afternoons away watching the grasshoppers mate. Never seen that? Then you should know you’re not living fully. What else do you enjoy then?

On some Saturdays, I will wake up late. Unfortunately, Saturday is the only day I set my alarm. On normal work days where I have to wake up at 6, sleep evades me naturally. May God forgive me because it is only on Saturdays that I wake up late, past 8 am. Yesterday I didn’t attend church. I did my laundry and then went to Ndonyo to buy beef. In Ndonyo, meat is retailed cheaply because there are ‘kichinjios’ there. Karis, our main man, sells us a kilogramme of meat at 250 bob. Outside Ndonyo, meat sells up to 400 bob per kilogramme. There were visitors coming home.

I live with a cousin. He is married and has a two year old kid. A messy nephew who literary cries about everything. Crying is his job for the better part of his days. Every time he opens his mouth, I wanna yank a flip flop from my leg and whip him to sickness. His mum is extremely lenient. Her hubby and I, dissent always on how she is nurturing this kid. ‘Anamdekeza.’ We can already see it in him. He is head strong even at two.

My life has been revolving around this cousin since childhood. We connect more because we somehow stayed together for long. He is around seven years ahead of me. I have my own room in his three bedroom house. This is my everything. It is where things happen. When I need to think, I lock myself and think. Only the walls know my secrets because they watch everything. Should they ever decide to betray me someday, they will leave me pulverized.

There are many times I have wanted to move out. I mean, I can’t even bring a girl there for a shag. But looking at what I make, and what it would need me to start over again, I curl and listen to Whizz Khalifa’s 28 grammes. The only thing I can hear from his song is weed, so many f words and then, 28 grammes is equal to an ounce. Y’all didn’t know that, right? Unless you are a drug peddler because they weigh drugs in ounces. On a good day, I comfort myself with, I just finished campus. Let me take some time off and enjoy life before obligations turn me into unhappy man and paste wrinkles on my face.

I will vacate after elections. I do promise.

Remember me telling you there were visitors coming? They are Zion Melodies members, which my cousin’s family is part of. Singers. I was somewhere in a conference where someone said she is a songer. I laughed so hard that the crowd rivet at me with eyes that sent me out of the room. Out there, the laughter was even more delirious.

Zion Melodies group has been singing for close to three years now. Today, they are shooting their third album. I wish them success. I am not such a ‘songer.’ So I was busy to sit down and craft something. Nothing is irritating as a hastily written story.

Diary of a lost Casanova

Day 6: Friday,Final leg.


Over the last week, my prelude has been about kissing the ass. I don’t know if you’ve ever paid attention to what I mean by it, or why I use it. When you kiss an ass, it means it is something you don’t what to engage in but you’ve got no option. It is like when you have a wrong stressing job with a nasty and lousy manager, who from time to time exploits you, makes your working conditions terrible, and makes you fear doing anything because you’ll mess and he’ll be on your neck but you don’t have an option. On your back, school fees for three kids, rent in a decent hood, car to fuel, wife who is at home so you need to take care of all the bills, and other pressing needs. So you will kiss the ass to keeps your life and that of your family afloat while you pray that these opportunities they say are like buses to show up and you jump into one.

This is the ass that I kiss every morning- payer, work outs, shower and breakfast.

Today is a fine day. I slept soundly. I go down and count fifty push-ups, 50 squats, I do some little tae kwondo moves, some bit of boxing work outs, work my hands and fingers, my neck, a bit of my ass and wrap the session with 10 breathing exercises and other muscle relaxation work outs. I spread my bed neatly and pack all my stuff in a bag.

Everything about me looks like going home. I hit the shower. I can’t lift my hands to scrub my back. They hurt so badly from the work outs. The same would happen when I go down the stairs because my legs don’t want any journey that favours gravity.

In my room, I talk to Vincent about how excited I am to go home. Jeans and white Lg T-shirt. Only carried one pair of shoes. Vinny’s buddy shows up and the three of us get going. I only carry a notebook.

At the table, I take my breakfast like a well-raised kid. Of course I am. Then there is this somali girl in a buibui and glasses. A girl so fine that when I look at her and then take my tea, the tea becomes so tasteless that I want to vomit it. She keeps stealing long glances at me. Oh boy! Never felt so uncomfortable. I really want to go to her seat and ask her, “woman, is it my beard, or my long face that enchants you? I would like to marry you right now if you say yes. But no dowry.”

I am a stalwart at thoughts nowadays. Actions just don’t spark. So I start speaking to another girl seated directly opposite me.

“Pass me the salt please.” I tell her. There is a naked egg on my right palm. I say this in the lowest voice so that she gets to talk back, that is my intention.

“Excuse me.” She replies. “Nisaidie iyo chumvi.” I say. She hands it over to me.

“Pretty nails you have there.” I comment. Coyly, she murmurs a thank you. This is indented by a smooth smile that is smeared on her lips. She is beautiful and has her hair held at the back with a clip. Soft faced and chocolate.

“I wonder what else you might be hiding that is not pretty about you.” I trudge on. Okay, that catches her off guard and she looks at me and then at her meal. She holds everything and takes time to think about it. “What do you mean?” She finally asks.

“I wonder if there is something un-beautiful about you that I don’t know.” I much repeat myself.

“Only I alone knows that. But why would you ask me that?” she inquires.

“Because I am Mzangila, and you are?…”


“I don’t know how to pronounce that but I am sure it is as beautiful as you are.”

A huge smile crosses her lips, “really?”

“No man can ever lie to a beautiful woman. I noticed you stopped taking your breakfast from the moment I talked to you. Si you continue with your meal, call me later.” I hand over my business card and leave. A Casanova? Just being a good guy. Even if she wouldn’t have been that beautiful I would have said the same thing because my heart is simply marinated with positivity and happiness. Comment on others positively, they will smile and breathe warmly. When you share happiness it comes back to you. You become peppy. And life is so brief to frown and major on negative sides of the story.

Ruth is dressed in a dress today. It leaves some part of her thighs smiling at me because I am seated next to her. Of late we’ve talked and joked, in a slow motion because I always measure my words with her. Thighs! Yellow, round thighs. And boots. Blue dress I guess, the kind nurses wear. We don’t talk much. But I stare at those thighs for a while.

Today there is a burly guy from Barclays. He has come to take us through basic financial management. He starts off on a low key, later on he becomes quite engaging. People want to listen more to things that have to do with money than other topics.

Here is a summary of what he presents. What are the various skills that you need in order to be successful? Work skills (education, experience and personal attributes that help you identify and pursue what you want), people skills (emotional intelligences necessary to help you comprehend how you should communicate to people) and money skills.

In order to be successful with money, you’ll need to religiously do the following: spend and save wisely, budget, understand how to use credit to your advantage, review where you spend too much and cut down the expenses, know where your money is coming from and where it is going, prioritize your expenses, decide ahead of time on how you’re going to spend your money, mind yourself first, and finally enhance your lifestyle. Remember to live within your means.

On saving

Save as early as you can, spend less than you earn, earn more. You can save in banks or saccos through table banking, investments (shares, real estate, precious elements eg gold, business or bonds). If need be, change direction.

Ever wanted to be an entrepreneur? Do you have the quintessential skills to prosper? Here is a brief guide- make your own opportunities, plan carefully, know what drives you, develop the entrepreneurial skill set, and know how much you need to start off. Remember, if you lock your mind you will get stuck at the beginning. If you finally get to set your business, as a business owner, work like an employee of that business. The rule of the thumb in business is that business is all about management.

There are various types of businesses that you can create a niche in- sole proprietorship, partnerships, cooperative societies and limited companies. These businesses require registration, each with specific requirements. My word of counsel on this is that you do not open a company if it is not the only thing you want. If you never dream about it, let go.

This is the best session I have had so far. It deals with things that I relate with. We break for tea at 10.30 and resume the session till one. I don’t get bored.

We’re divided into two groups. One goes up to class five while we go down to class one. The mood down here is boring. There is a guy giving testimony on how Ajira Digital has helped him. He narrates of his struggles and successes, which few care to listen to because it is already lunch time. Listening to his testimony reminds me of this church in our hood called BFF. Baptised by Fire and Faith. Shout Hallelluyah! There always testimonies going on in the church.

The guy doesn’t have a command. He looks frail and talks without minding if there is anyone listening. He finishes minutes later and there is a lady who keeps talking to us. She tries to be funny, honestly, she isn’t. She comes to you and even tries to smile or laugh to make you smile, but all in vain. She tells us to wait because there is someone to talk to us for five minutes.

The truth is, I never waited. My mind was on lunch break. I used the back exit with many others and left for lunch. Mercy informs she is going to try and clear so that she can leave early because she has to travel to Kisii. Her brothers kid is having a birthday and she wants to be there. Women with birthdays, wah!

I forge a line and become the loudest. With another guy, we start throwing jokes using a luyha accent. I am good at it. People are busy laughing at our jokes that they don’t realize when we forge the line, get the Telkom lines and disappear.

After that, I meet Allan at the back of the classroom. We talk and he tells I can go and clear. Which is what I do. On my way, I meet Mercy. I have not seen her since Jana asubuhi. We hug and talk. I really don’t want her to go. She has her bags with her. My hope is that while she goes to line up to get her Telkcom simcard, I’ll be done with clearance.

I meet my college mates. One suggests we need to take a selfie for commemoration. Chit chats, laughter and other things happen. Then there is an assembly. Closing comments and speeches from government reps. when it ends, I leave. I see Mercy off as she gives me 50 bob to ferry me to town. I have money in my Mpesa but nowhere to withdraw it. She comes handy.

That was the last day on KU serials. For those who would love to know more about online writing just contact me. I am kind enough to help out. Starting next week, we shall resume our normal posts on Wednesdays.

We’re working on the blog so that it can be accessed by all browsers. Kindly bear with us.

We’re looking for guest writers. If you know you can write well kindly write to us and we shall give you enough airtime on this blog.

Sincere regards to all friends I did make in KU because you made my life easier, high five to all our trainers and thanks to the government of Kenya for such an opportunity. Till next time, I am your favourite, Mzangila Snr.

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