The burden of love

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A year ago, I went to town to meet this girl I had admired for years. In my profession, I happen to meet a number of people, mostly women. I don’t exactly recall how I met her (not physically though) but it was way back in 2012 or 2013. Immediately I saw her photos, I knew I liked her. Chocolate. Doll eyes that looked excessively delicate, yet so sexy. Lips that looked like they were kissed every day, and a moderately fine ass to go with her perfect body. I engaged in a conversation with her, flirting and doing all things that can charm a girl. I knew she was the one for me. Not the moon or sun could back me off. I not only wanted her, but I also needed her.

When you need a person, it implies that you understand yourself. Wants are nothing but things to delight our immediate pleasures. Needing, from multiple points of view, means that you’re ready to plunge into the long haul, regardless of whether horrendous or enthusing. I knew I needed her.

She was studying in Maseno University, if I am not wrong. She modeled while in school. The distance was an immense obstacle. But I was not looking at the present, rather, but the long shot. I was ready to wait, even if it meant years. Unlike other people, I’m built for endurance. I can wait while others give up the pursuit. I decided I was going to do so.

Finally, I managed to get a date with her. This was in 2017. This should tell you that I was patiently keeping touch for four years without losing hope. Deep inside, I admired this girl. We had these steamy conversations that brought some kind of warmth into my life. She had no reservations. She didn’t pretend with me, neither did I.  We kept our minds open and talked earnestly and sincerely. She was a simple girl with class.

I knew she had class because she took good care of herself- beautiful and fashionable- dependably. Her face didn’t look like she hailed from a poor family like that of mine. These little things established the appreciation I had for her.

When we finally met, I was more than glad to see her, the woman of my dreams. There she sat, opposite me, looking so gorgeous and happy. I had come with a friend who was to help me purchase a few things for my business. The friend took a seat a couple of seats away to give us space- we needed it.

We talked a bit, delighted in a drink and then left. I wanted to fix my laptop as well as allow my buddy to leave.  We parted ways, hoping to meet later in the day for a proper date when we’d sorted out our things. This time we met in a different joint for lunch, her and me. I guess I had some money so we had a great time with food, drinks and endless jabbers, loaded with laughter.

If you haven’t me in my natural state, then you’ll never understand what I usually talk about in this blog. I often bully my way into conversations, laugh recklessly, flirt openly and stay open-minded all through- meaning that I am an asshole all through. A pleasant asshole. At times, I just sit and listen. Other times, I get bored easily when conversations drift to obvious things, things that can’t help us at that moment. Things like politics, or admonition or petty things. I wonder why some people are tight, and reserved when they come to dates.

Dates are supposed to be places where you open up to know each other, talk, have fun and a good time. It is not a place to ask question after question as if it is an interview session. Knowing a person is not about asking them questions to issues you think are imperative to you. Just jump into a conversation without giving it a direction. Watch how someone talks and how they respond to issues. You’ll learn the kind of person they are by listening to their talk- are they humourous? Tick. Are they open-minded and ready to learn? Another tick. Do they give you space to talk? Tick. Do they whine always? Red flag. Are they patient? Tick. Are they shrewd? Tick. Do they make you like them? Tick. Do you feel like you’ve known this person your entire life? Tick.

That is the starter pack for me. If I went on a date with you, I must have liked how you appear already. Therefore, that is not going to be something to rethink about unless it is a blind date. Intelligence, respect, liberality, and confidence. That is all I need in a person.

Both of us had yearned for this meeting. So that was a plus for us both, an indicator that we already had a thing for each other.  Most of my dates don’t end up as I see people do on TV, like asking- what do you think of me? Do I qualify? No! I just see them off, with a promise that we’ll talk and meet more and more. If someone likes me, I’ll know and she’ll know too if I did.

If I don’t like the person, I often see no point of keeping in touch. I am not an adherent of sitting around idly waiting for a seed that can never grow into a plant with fruits. I’ll tell her I don’t think she’s the one I need.

With Cynthia, it was extraordinary. I needed her and I told her so. But after our date, we never met again until the time I bumped into her in the same joint I had taken her. I was meeting a long-time lady friend here. Sadly, I often take all my dates to this place. I’m a poor joint sampler. Maybe it all had to do with money. Yes, the money. I am not the man who maintains unrealistic lifestyles. If I am poor, I’ll take a date to a place I can afford- I am not going to an extra mile to take her to a tasteful joint using a loan.

Before we met again, our conversation had not died. We kept talking, only that the fire in it had died. It was only lighting on my side. Her side was full of faded embers of my desires.  I never understood the reason. She never told me. She was not pushing me away nor was she taking me in- you know that sort of scenario where you’re in some position in someone’s life but you can’t make sense of it? You want to leave, but she doesn’t look like she’s chasing you away so you think that you still have a shot, at the same time you feel there is nothing to stay for because she ain’t like letting you into her inner self…

I spent time in such a beam balance, in the middle of the balance- not knowing which bearing to follow. I mean I liked this lady so much that I couldn’t make a decision which direction to go. Have you been in that situation?

When I bumped into her late last year, everything came back. It was like a reset to my default self. I had somehow tried to move on and in a small way, I had managed to let her escape my mind so that I could finally move on, though casually. Then, we meet. It felt like all the effort I had invested in myself went to squander. Suddenly, she reminded me that she was still there, going nowhere. My mind was filled to the brim with her. There was this light in my eyes. I sassed up.

My date with the other lady friend didn’t go so well. I was inattentive most of the time, talked less and kept quiet most of the time. My mind was somewhere else, sleeping beside the woman of my dreams.

A few days back I asked her what happened after our date. Can you imagine what she told me? I’ll quote that because it stunned me.

“To me, you looked like a ladies man… azin that man who would cheat and you wouldn’t know, that man who flirts oftenly… could never feel secure or trust.”

I don’t want to say how I felt when I read this statement. But I could not help wonder how ladies’ men look. Like, do they have this signature looks that define them? Was it my beard, face, words or stature that made her think so? I had several questions. I wanted to be on the offensive but how could that end up? She was already mistrusting me; all the odds were against me.

In my head, I started playing scenarios. Maybe if I had kept quiet she would have trusted me. Perhaps I should have kept my humour and flirts to myself. Is showing who I am as a person that bad? I tried to think of the things I could have done to gain her trust. The milk had already spilled. I felt sad.

I haven’t cheated in my life on someone I love. But here was someone looking at me and thinking of the possibilities of me being a cheater. Was she saying that at some point I’ll cheat? Was she predicting a destiny for me? I somehow got mad. Like how could she think so of me without even giving me a chance? I mean, this is a woman that I needed, yet she’d gone ahead and misjudged my personality for a cheat. What was I to do?

That night, 9th January 2019, I cried. I don’t know why but I guess I was just overwhelmed by the thought of being a cheat. I wanted to find a way to convince her that I’d never cheat on her (because I live by my principles, and to never cheat on my woman is one of them), but I couldn’t figure out how. Anyone who knows how I can persuade her? Is there a manual somewhere that outlines how to change someone’s disposition about you?

I should concede that I have come to understand that many women don’t trust me. She was not the first one; it only felt worse with her because she’s a woman I need. To me, she’s not like any other woman I have met. Most ladies never trust me, like ever.

There is this girl called Esther. Esther and I went to the same college. We did most things together while in college. I was the chairperson of the Journalism Club while she was the Treasurer of the club. This means we met often, during weekly meetings, during officials’ meetings, during events, during weekends and all that.

She is a woman I like. Even though she’s little body wise, she meets all the other things I need in a woman. The brains, the beauty, the smile, and the class. I have admired this girl every single day. I have told her I love her all through college and all that. She had a boyfriend but I knew one day she’ll break up with him. I have this instinctual feeling about people and situations. So I somehow knew one day they’ll break up. I was willing to wait. I was waiting for the day I’ll tell her “now you’re mine.”

But the truth is that she feels I’m a cheat. She never believes anything that has to do with my emotions towards her.

I have been in this kind of tragedy for all my life. The disaster of women never believing me. To mean that most of the times I never manage to be in relationships. I don’t remember having girlfriends during my college life, just once. Then everything was me and myself.

Just like any other man, I was yearning for someone to be my side. I wanted to feel the touch of a woman. I wanted company, sex, and hugs. Well, there were many hugs because I was this popular kid in college. However, the hugs were nothing but the hugs that college mates give each other, not the profound, affectionate hugs that come from lovers.

I had a hard time, therefore, attempting to be ordinary. I became a fan of brothels because I needed some love. I banged whores here and there in my quest for woman touch. It was all that I had.

Not that I haven’t had my few successes in falling into relationships. I have been in several wrong relationships, and they tire me. I prefer being in meaningful relationships with people I adore. That is why it pains me to see the people I like mistrusting me without even giving me a chance. You can’t just push a person by a press of a single button. You should at least try ten out of the hundred available.

There is no point in why I write shit. The fact that I don’t have people who I can confide in makes this the only way to offload my troubles. So I am going to whine every time I feel the world is going against me.

That said, we are officially having an average of 200k hits per month. This is worth saying because conversations about making money through my blog have rent the air for long, and for a patient man like me, it is not a subject I have forgotten. Most importantly, however, is the fact that we’ve have truly made some amazing progress.

It is not easy to understand the treacherous journey bloggers go through in building a brand if you’re not one. Some people will tell you that you can make lots of cheddar by blogging. The facts confirm that blogging can be a wellspring of pay. The drawback is that a large portion of these individuals that push you into blogging never let you know the deadlift work expected to get something above water.

It is extremely punishing for anyone to make a run for something for several years without earning a dime from it. Yet in the same journey, you get to learn the specialty of sowing a seed, and patiently waiting for it to fruit while religiously tending to it every damn day.

When I say that we are having an average of 200k visits to our blog on a monthly basis it is because there are days when I wished I could have even 100 views on a post. Those were the days when no one knew this baby. Even worse, my writing was just that of a tenderfoot, excited rookie. There was some kind of pride in me to see this baby up live for the first time. The first post I ever did was in February 5, 2015. I remember that post because it was about my classmates. That post broke this baby’s virginity.

In February, we are entering our fourth year. That’s right! I didn’t want us to start it without recognizing the far we’ve come from. We walked shoeless on several days. Days when we stayed up to keep watch while others snored. Days when people sent us away because they thought we weren’t shit; days when we hid under our blankets to read crap on this blog with one eye; days when content was elusive like it was yesterday;  days of refreshing tabs to see if anyone commented on a post we just uploaded and relentless marketing efforts.

We attribute this progress to you, for stopping here every week to give us meaning again. We cannot, therefore, forget how important you’re in this community. You are the poles that hold us straight so that we don’t fall flat on our stomachs and spill the broth from our stomachs.

That said, I have to talk about the comments because it baffles me that a post could have 18k readers yet not a single comment. Even God Himself is not pleased. There are days when we used to have up to 50 comments per post. Days when we were just starting. Then people started reading in silence, coming and going as if this is a children’s home, where you walk into just to take a selfie with hapless kids and then leave.  It is not right. What is the worst thing that can happen to you if you left a brief comment? Would you lose an arm or a leg? Would your finger turn numb or will you go blind?

I fail to believe that 18k people can read a post that is full of shit. There is no way that number of people can read something shitty.  But why not even one comment with all that traffic? Is our comment segment not working or what? I just want to know why you’re not leaving your comment.

It is great to read a post. We appreciate every little bit of it. However, it is your comments that bring life to us. They create an engagement. They help us know what we are doing admirably and where we need to pull up our socks.

So starting today, try to leave a brief comment. Say how you feel about the story. Quote the line that got you most. State something I can improve on. Whatever makes you happy. That way, we can know how to better our content for your sake.

Once you submit your comment, you might not see it immediately because we’ll have to approve it. So do not get apprehensive once you comment and fail to see a comment. It will pop up a few minutes later.

Finally, subscribe to our blog so that you can get post updates in real time. This year, we are doing three pieces per week Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. So you have much to keep you busy. Also, do not forget to join out telegram channel. You’ll love it.

 Mzangila Snr,

Where shall we go, we who wander in this wasteland in search of better selves?

Image credit: hpi

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About Mzangila

Mentor, media consultant, photographer, editor, poet, writer, and counselor.

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