The affairs of my heart

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Today I just want to share some shady parts of my life. Don’t worry on the way I will narrate the story because all that matters is the key message. Do not abhor me for being such sick before, occasionally you must be a debilitated punk for you to acknowledge life. If you feel like I am talking like an aggregate outsider simply exposed with the novelty, perhaps you scarcely know anything about me apart from my name and looks. Profound inside we need to release things to get ready for better tidings to come. With a clean heart do I say this.

Many people are afraid of letting out the inner dark parts of their lives. They are afraid that people will judge them. It is normal to have such fears. But again, who is this righteous person who can judge you of the things that have happened in your life?

In this same line, I want to narrate of my small dark past. It is not impressive. Just to show you how love bites in different temperatures.

Love is such an enormous concept. It can’t be characterized completely by a couple of words either. It has a humongous effect on our lives. Love rules half of our lives. Love lives amongst us. Fabricates our homes, and pulverizes others. It is so strong and valiant. Though personally I don’t believe in love.

I started dating when I was 15. When you are 15 and in high school you don’t date 13 year old babies. You go for 30+ year old momos. In high school that extra income (I call it income because you work for it. that is obvious. So many streaks of sweat weekly) is freaking crucial. It subsidizes the meagre pocket money that your father gave you.

My dad used to send me to school with 500 bob. Half of it partly consumed on bus fare expenses. I guess he was one of the most insensitive parents who had no clue how significant pocket money was or is to a student. The remaining 250 bob would be spent purchasing essential items like tissue paper, toothpaste and biro pens. I could steal the rest of the stuff. I needed to survive.

For anyone who has been to Nakuru High school as from 90s to 2010 will testify that the rule of the jungle means something in life. It is either you survive through tough means or get survived on. Man eat man society thrived a lot, and generally you could have buddies on important occasions only. Life was just for the hard cores, tough minded, head-strongs, hustlers and bullies. I was in that lot.

So seeking an extra source for survival was justified. I don’t know what you think I was doing when I say I was dating 30+ year old momos. I do not wanna know either. At that time it was the shrewdest decision for me. Sourcing extra pocket money was one thing I loved. In whichever way people see it, it befitted the circumstance.

Dating momos proved to be a characteristic value to me. It was a decent wrongdoing. I was in my sophomore year when I met one of these momos. For the accompanying two years the business was lucrative. Hitting a momo is just an awesome experience, only when you don’t know that it is a dirty habit. The love in this relationship is not based on feelings. It is the lust for each other’s service pack. My love for them was in their money. Their love for me was in the power of the sacred tool.

Getting spoiled especially at a tender age feels good Going to places that your folks will never take you, eating dinners in choice inns, meeting prominent personalities that you only used to spot on national TV, getting purchased lavish endowments, donning new stuff, sufficiently having mullah to bolster you all year through just for an exchange of goodies sounded incredible. Who would not go for it? Many of the high school kids wish, dream and fantasize for such opportunities. No one likes the consistent smell of boiled Sukuma wiki every evening and slightly overcooked cabbage in their digestive system every godamn day.

I got outta high school having kids somewhere. That complicated things. A dad of kids that you may have problems raising. I have only come into contact with one. She is a complete replica of my youngest sibling though she has much lighter complexion than my sister. I don’t know what will happen if they happen to meet someday. It is a long story, as to how many kids are in that picture. History has already been written…though I don’t want history to repeat itself.

Anyway that was my high school. I just had to find a way to survive. Many people will look at it like a gross mistake. But there is no difference between me and someone who engages in premature sex or one who masturbates. The consequences are varied but all of them are gross. There is no difference between my actions and those of that guy who hides himself behind closed doors to watch porn. The mindset is dirty, just like mine. I am not in any way trying to justify my unconventional acts, however, I want you not to judge me.

My first girlfriend left me. How many of us have been left by our loved ones? Right now she is hitched with a kid. She was my first love. Men you understand what I mean by first love. Forget the do-me-I-do-you thing in high school. Of course after high school I reformed after all the wealth I had acquired from the do-me-I-do-you kind of lifestyle went vanishing in ununderstood circumstances. It is here I underwent complete transformation.

Sometimes you need to understand some things, even the most basic, only that you will hardly find no one with such time to waste on you. So the girl left me with least of explanations. And as a man who had done nothing wrong had nothing to worry about me being the problem behind the leftment. Any way it is good she left, she had such a smelly mouth! Though I enjoyed kissing her.

I left for college with one experience. To leave before she leaves. And it will remain that way ever. It is my law of nature. Even one quote justifies my finding; the art of being a good guest is to know when to leave. That is a lesson you should learn as a man. The art of timing is important. If you are left like I was left it is a different story because it lingers, it never leaves, and it pins you down. Though for once you should be left for purposes of education.

In college another history was written. I hit one chic after another. In my previous article in characteristics of a cheater, I said that I used to have so many girlfriends, and I make friends easily. I no longer do that anyway. Nowadays I am reserved. I talk less. I interact less. And I sex least. The more I talk, the more I will flirt, the more I will make friends, the more friends become close, the more promiscuity goes overboard. I want my life to be different. If you meet me and I am that guy who barely talks but listens a lot, then I am trying hard not to hit on you.

First year I made our hostel a den of whores. But not as much as my next door friend who screwed a new chic daily. Damn, he must have had a golden cock. He was my motivation. He knew I was a bad boy while I knew he was more than a bad boy.

People always build walls once they get heart broken. And I am one person who built a mega wall in my heart when it comes to love. I can’t just love more than 30%. That is the best I can. The rest is just lust for her curvy body, huge ass, nice boobs, and attractive face. While I was doing this shit I impregnated msichana wa wenyewe.  How do you even impregnate a daughter of a minister and get away with it? I somehow did get away with it.

She wanted to abort while I wanted the kid. A tug of war. I begged. I begged. I had to. I have written about the birth of Elsie, whose second name happens to be Melissa and third name being the Mzangila. You can read the story in that link to understand how hard it was for me.

The best thing that came with the birth of Melissa was that it changed my ways. I became more principled. I became a responsible father. I stopped acting like a chump and had to man up for my daughter.


A lot happened afterwards. I made irrational mistakes. But from all these experiences, many of which I have not talked about, I learnt a few lessons that I would like to share about life:

  • Payback is a bitch. Payback time always comes, no matter what. When it is due, you cannot escape it. Every little wrong thing that you did comes around to haunt you. I went back to square one, back to the drawing board and started from the bottom again.
  • Drinking, smoking and escapism do not pay. Consuming litres of booze does not eliminate your problems. Smoking can’t do away with your stress. All those problems face you once you get sober again. Confront the problem and if beyond your knowledge, seek help.
  • Let others carry their cross. Stressing yourself out to solve other people’s problems will only add mores fears to your life. Responsibilities should only bug you if it is your kid or wife.
  • Work hard for your money. Stop dreams of overnight riches. They are the origin of ulcers and other ailments. When the money is not yours it all comes down because your spending patterns are extra ordinary. You get satisfied when you earn your own cash. Quick cash is perishable and it is paid for.
  • Accept that you don’t know everything. Being humble in life is the order of the day. There are things you barely know that a kid understands effortlessly. That way you will be open to learn and receive more. You will get richer in knowledge.
  • If you love, love for real. Give it the best shot. If it fails you will always know you did all you could do. Do not dilly dally other people’s feelings for they are not like a balloon which you can inflate or deflate whenever you want. They are like inflated balloons which if pricked bursts into a conglomerate of pieces…
  • Expect challenges. Be prepared for worse things in life. Life is not a bed of roses. We would be lying naked somewhere all our life if it was.
  • Be patient. Good things come with time. If you work hard and count on patience, there will be a breakthrough. So keep cool.
  • Respect other people. Teach yourself the art of respect. Everyone else matters. Listen a lot.
  • Mambo ya watu achana nayo. Just mind your business. Don’t bother discussing crap. It is a wastage of time, people will hate you and you will lose great friends.
  • Do the right. Always strive for the positive aspect of life. This way blessings will follow you wherever you go.
  • God is important. He is everything. In the very end, at some point, things happen that make you discover God’s presence. Without Him all is doom…make Him your very first.

I can’t ask more from life. Make it the way you want you. ELSIE, daddy loves you baby girl.

If you have a nice story and it is your desire to get it published on this blog, message me through facebook or twitter @jmokua or in the comment section and will get back to you.

Thanks for reading.

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  1. Experiences always come along with gaining of knowledge n behaviour change either positively or negatively….u’ve been a role model if not a mentor….ur stories encourage..ur advices perfect…God bless the work of our hands n control ur life

  2. experience prepares you to abetter person in furure.

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