Please Please Marry Me!

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Marriage is hard. Those who have managed to stay together a few years can affirm that. It requires strength, commitment, love and great sex. The latter can break you apart all other qualities notwithstanding.

It is a process. You do not wake up one day and decide you want to walk the journey of holy matrimony. You meet, know the person and begin dating. This can go on for years.

The time comes when the man (traditionally) pops the question to the woman beyond their dreams. A wedding follows, honey moon, happy times then whoop, you are parents! That is the procedure followed.

Somewhere along this journey, came the smartphones, HD cameras and social media. Suddenly, a disease swept the entire land. Everything intimate was exposed for all to see.

Got a bang body? Snap. He put a ring on it? Snap. Out with friends on Tuesdays at a pizza inn joint? Snap. Labour pains managed you identical twins? How adorable! Snap. Snap. Snap. Don’t forget the caption.

Grand weddings we have witnessed from the Wedding Show. It’s not marriage anymore. It is business. The whole process of finding that perfect dress and fluffy cake. It costs a lot of money. For a single day event.

That is all fine. If you have money, please flaunt it. The problem is the proposals. How and where do you propose?

It was one of those church Crusades. He called her up to the stage. There were thousands of humans present. He poured out the speech he had rehearsed for months on end. She stood there looking at him.

He finally put a stop to his love story and went on his knee. There, in front of strangers, only a small fraction of the people watching knew either of them.

As soon as he had finished, she ran down the stairs and disappeared without a word.

The crowd that was chanting Say Yes, Say Yes went completely silent. The wife-hunter was left kneeling.

He was lucky, many others have been slapped back to their senses. Hard. Curious onlookers had their phone cameras still to get all the action. Some stream live for those in the comfort of their homes to get it live.

This past week a video of a woman who went down to invite a man into her life forever Amen, was making rounds. He rejected her. There were mixed reactions but the woman received a lot of blame and contempt.

We all have different personalities. While you are the confident Jim, your partner Mary is shy. You might have no problem kneeling in the middle of a mall to express your interest but Mary is reserved.

She would rather have you make the request in the middle of a boat ride at Uhuru Park. That’s her romance script. You are reconstructing yours from a movie scene, Jim.

Besides, when you publicly throw the question where there is a large number of people, your to-have-been gets into a state of panic. Anxiety. There is a literal adrenaline rush. The heart beats as if they are on the last lane of a sprint.

Depending on the energy they get from the surroundings, they will agree or disagree. Most times, this is the wrong answer as the pressure of the situation makes them respond in one way and not the other.

You walk down the aisle a person who accepted you because you forced them. Or you lose a life partner because you scared them away with your “let everyone know we’ll get married” charade.

Call me inhuman but these men and women deserve the No to the big question. Those who get a beating or a string of insults along with it serves them better. You get heartbroken with a lesson to take you through life.

You don’t have to advertise your engagement. The only people who care if you get hooked are your parents and those relatives who have been pushing you insisting you are “not getting any younger.”

Why put the rest of us who have no likelihood of being hinged through depression? Why put your fiancé or fiancée out there for all the predators to prey on and make that marriage non existent?

Some people in your life want the worst for you. As you post that video on your social media handles for all and sundry to experience your “happiness”, a malicious individual is crafting your demise.

A proposal should be a two people affair. Call her or him over for an early dinner. Hire a chef or put your best basic skills forward and prepare an enticing meal. Buy scented candles and light up the room.

When they are full and about to leave, restrain them and reveal the ring. Ask the question. If they accept and spends the night in your arms, it’s a win for you both. Thereafter you can inform family and friends.

If a no is tossed to your face however, you will live without the public humiliation that the video starring you on the internet could bring. You escape all the hate netizens will ensure brings you down.

I know the choice I’m willing to live with. What’s yours?



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About Rehema Zuberi

Teller of 'taboo-d' tales.

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