I truly understand that you are a busy man, and presumably would not have time to read some letter from someone like me, obscure to you and down in the pyramid of socio-economic ladder. It is with much confidence and hope that I take this opportunity to write you a note. I don’t want to call it a letter because I know how busy you are to even contemplate what a letter means.
First and foremost I would like to thankfully accolade you for winning the presidency. It demonstrates that you were the best among the best, and that people chose you as their leader on the grounds that you were the best servant of the citizenry. I know you fought really well, like a tiger in the woods for survival.
From my understanding, being in your position is such a monstrous accomplishment that is for the chosen few. Honestly I don’t envision myself in that rank. It is the highest rank, the top most and the most revered in the hierarchy of leadership.
Maybe just to ask, how do you feel being the president? How does it feel being alluded to as the Commander in Chief of the Armed Forces? How does it feel being called His Excellency? I bet it is great. It must be the sweetest thing ever. How does it feel when every other citizen treats you with respect and bows down in order to great you?
In fact if we will ever meet I don’t think I will have even the guts to ask you questions, or even look you directly on the face in the course of our talk. It won’t be a talk, it will be like an instructor and a student. I will listen all the way while looking down. I will not interject anywhere during the conversation, it will be discourteous. I won’t correct you if you are wrong, I will be disrespectful. I won’t even cough or sneeze, I will just hold it in. I won’t cry if you stepped on my toes with your army boots, I will grin and swallow the pain. I won’t open my mouth at any instance, my mouth odor will kill all the state house workers. I won’t wear shoes in the state house, they will leave pebbles stowed away under the holes of the sole. I won’t request water regardless of the possibility that I am parched, the glass will just collapse at my crocodile teeth. All these in tribute of your presidency.
Dear Mr. President, I have always dreamt of stepping my foot even on the statehouse entrance. It is better than nothing. That is history made as I will have to take a snap to post on my Facebook page. I don’t know how to use twitter Sir, just came from the village. It is the greatest dream that I ever envisioned in my life.
I have heard a great deal of stories leasing the demeanor of how generous you are. I have even seen NTV airing many patriotic citizens who had a similar cry to you, “serikali tafadhali.” I still heard that you helped them. Soon everyone else who was in trouble used the same killer slogan and shockingly it lived up to expectations. It can likewise take a shot at me. And this is my petition.
“Serikali tafadhali, nnaomba serikali iingile kati. Miaka yangu yote nmekuwa nkiota Uhuru, ata izo ndoto zingine cjui wameenda wapi. Nmeota wakienda state house na kusalimia Uhuru na mikono miine. Serikal tafadhali nnaomba uingilie kati ili ndoto yangu aweze kutimia. Ata jana nliota kinuthia na ndoto yake ikaisha by leo asubuhi, lakini ya statehouse naiota mpaka saa hii nnavyoandika hawa ujumbe. Tafadhali serikali, kama nilivyosema sijui kutweet ndo niseme ‘tweet me yawa Mr.President’ kama Otonglo, soma tu barua yangu na uniandikie message facebook. Ama ukiweza pia you beat me telephone through my mobile number 0716503589.’
I would prefer not to sound like a frantic man attempting to advance to statehouse. I essentially need to express my dearest emotions, my most prominent wishes, and my considerable need to take a snap of me in statehouse. Please don’t ask why. It is social media error, where everything gets posted for whatever reasons and I am part and parcel per se with these morons who have no idea on the real purpose of social media platforms.
Do you know the impact my life would have if only I posted a picture of me standing next to you? In fact people will not be looking at me precisely. They would be ogling at you and their comments would be like the ones below.
That is my president.
Iyo suti ni kali Prezo.
Iyo kiatu ya Prezo c ile alisaidia Rao?
Prezo c ata mm unite statehouse nipigwe picha n aww…..
Achana na Rao, that is the man of the people. Angalia ata iyo red carpet yenye Rao hatawahi kanyaga…..
And there would be thousands of comments. All about you and I will be in the shadow, unseen and forsaken as if I am not in the picture, as if you are the one who posted the photo. Nevertheless I do not mind all that. My biggest smile will come from the number of comments. For the first time a photo in my wall will be having more than two comments. Honestly I will have to celebrate for such good times.
Another good tiding that will come with your photo will be new friend requests. Since I joined Facebook in 2010 I can count all the friend requests I have received. They all accumulate to 30. I have almost 700 hundred friends, 4 quarters of whom I have forced to befriend me. With this photo now, I will be assured of many friend requests.
Despite me being in the shadow in the comments section, my inbox will be overflowing with a flurry of messages. The majority of them with distinct fascination of how to meet you and if I can share some little cash. They openly comprehend by default that I can’t get to statehouse and get out mkono mtupu. So even the dormant friends will resurface and try to be the best friends. They will guarantee that they stay in contact with me the most, showing how dear and cherishing they are to me. And I of the second creation will be in control. In the sense that I will feel myself (kujiskia). I will behave like I am up there in the self-actualization level of economic status.
I will be the new Sherriff in town with my bazooka pointed to everyone. The messages will be so many. I would ignore others. I will delete or hide my phone number from my wall or even better buy a new line. I will be the king and time will bring humble servants to me. I will be proud and my affiliations will change. My friends circle will change. I will even hire a limo even if it’s just for a second and pose for a photo. I will hire a chauffeur to drive me in a hired taxi to Serena just even if it’s for a day. Then I will take a photo with 3 croissants on a plate, and a thick chicken thigh near a banner emblazoned SERENA HOTEL.
All these photos would then end up in Facebook. I have to behave differently and maintain a cutting edge high end status, outfitting my notoriety by day. Adventitiously I will be the talk of the town, from social media, TV, to everyone’s tongue. For real, this will be the time for me to sign up for Instagram and contend with the likes of Rabbit and Elani and others. How does one become a celebrity or superstar? TV stations will buzz me and implore me to go for an interview. Ntaringa sana and I would answer back in a proud tone.
‘Lemme check my schedule and then my PA will let you know.’ They PA will never call back till they do and he will apologize and then book the interview. I will attend it quite late……and I will tell Victoria Lubadiri..
‘Nowadays I’m extremely occupied. Ni bahati ata nmepata wakati.’ At this point I will have garnered a British accent, talking and gulping words underneath my nose. They would be intent trying to figure out what I will be saying….
Weeks later I will be having a vocation somewhere, and life would have changed. See how your photo can make a change to my wrecked life? It surely can Mr. Uhuru.
I greatly apologize for veering off the subject Prezzo. I guaranteed to just scrawl a note to spare you the inconvenience of perusing my otherwise long article. I admire the sort of work you are accomplishing for our nation and also for the greater good of the world. At the same time the more noteworthy euphoria lies in you helping me fulfil my dreams.
I am very sure everyone one in Kenya and others out there in the world have read this open letter to you. They have witnessed how badly a boy like me wants to achieve his dreams. They are in support of the idea. That you ought to give me a chance to come to statehouse and have a photograph with you. In the event that you so wish to approach me for some espresso or even as for my bank account number or even give me one Mercedes Benz, I won’t decline, Your Honor. I will welcome your suggestions with open hands and sensible personality. So do I wish that you receive my letter, I mean note, and help me attain my dreams with open hands.
From profound inside I am prepared for whatsoever offer that may originate from you. May it be that photo, or coffee, or statehouse stay, or that Mercedes Benz, or that iPhone 7 in your room, or even Mullah (remember I was also brought up in Central Province), or even if it is asking me for me to propose to your Daughter-Ngina. I am comfortable with any, in fact with all I neglected to additionally state to you that I have admired Ngina since she was an embryo in Maggie’s womb. So far I think I am the most astounding bidder, and I am the most suitable suitor for Ngina.
So as to bolster my claims call me for a brief meeting. The basic role would be to advocate past my letter that I am the most suitable man to sentiment your little girl. . Kindly bring this with the most extreme earnestness it merits in light of the fact that I am very very very very serious. I am that serious.
In short, in front of all these witnesses- my readers and the statehouse crew, I table a synopsis of the two favors I would like from you.
- Invite me to state house. I know you will also have some cup of coffee for me.
- Allow me to take as many photos with you in all parts of statehouse so that I can be uploading one daily on Facebook. I don’t wish them to run short of 100 because I want the fame to reign supremely for quite a while till I become undisputed celebrity, courtesy of you.
- Allow me to approach Ngina for a hand in marriage at no cost. I know you have a lot of money, so why would you need to get dowry from me? This one has to be a deal. We have to announce it on every public and private communication channel available. We can even hire some crew from BBC to make a documentary.
- When you will be taking a photo with me ensure that you smile even if I will irritate you. Just smile. People on Facebook have been accusing me of stone- faced photos whenever I am with my friends. And this photo will have this caption- chilling out with my buddy, H.E Uhuru Kenyatta.
- I would also like to take unlimited number of photos with Ngina. Remember I underlined UNLIMITED PHOTOS. The photos will turn into a web sensation on social media platforms, TV and even be shown on radio if possible.
Again I am sorry. I did not have the foggiest idea that those favors were more than two, though I have forgotten others. On the off chance that I recollect whatever remains of the rundown then make certain that I will keep in touch with you an alternate letter.
In conclusion I would like to remind you that everyone is watching. Please write an open letter back to me. That way I will be assured that you are my president.
Looking forward to hear from you as soon as tomorrow. Attached is my other list of favors in case you may wish to fulfill all of them.
Thanks in advance.
The Best Suitor for NGINA