More tea please

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Hehe, have you met someone who uses hehe and nkt! in the same sentence? In my writing career I have met Bikozulu. This guy can turn from being irate to being a jolly ass motherfucker in the same sentence. Today I was like Bikozulu, though this has nothing to do with my story.

For the first time, I visited Safaricom offices in Westie yesterday to attend some training involving C2B and some shitty business stuff. C2B stands for customer to business or something like that because I didn’t give much careful consideration. Sometimes theorizing things doesn’t help so much, grasping the key concept on how to manage that business domain or product on a real scale is the most essential part.

Since the Alshabaab started sending suprise attacks to major business premises, many institutions became alert, incepted and adopted more security sytems, to aid them with the rampant insecurity. And Safaricom is one of those facilities that have invested lots of bucks in security parameters.

So as always I get nervous when I near the gate. But even worse are these Safaricom staff, most with big bellies and zero necks, in nice attires. I often get intimidated when some bigger dudes line with me. They make me despise myself, and quickly start seeing myself as the littler guy.

I walk towards the entrance. At the gate I meet two ugly soldiers. I was at their mercy. On my bag pack I have a very heavy laptop. I join the line and wait for my turn to be ransacked. I always trail my cousin, dazzling woman who gets the attention of each youthful and old man of honor. It is positive to my image you know, walking along a very beautiful lady.

I don’t want to discuss the advantages of dating or walking with a lovely lass, but anyway lemme state but a few. There is always a sense of confidence when you are walking with an adorable lady, you just feel yourself, proud at heart and walking shoulders high. It is like unatishia tujamaa twingine. Your self-esteem projects upwards so fast. You are not ashamed to walk around with her, and you can walk on every street in town without feeling the heat waves of the summers of Nairobi because she absorbs that heat.

When I see a man with a very lovely girl, one thing strikes me; he must be a brave guy, a very strong dude. So do girls. They will get desirous. To them you will be ‘the mysterious man’. They will wonder what enchantment you got in your pants, pockets or head that keeps such a nice lass close to your ass. Maybe you are damn rich, or very handsome, or very handy/humble and stuff, or you got a golden dick. Unajengewa CV apo ukiangalia.

There is one secret to making successful deals. When you have a deal beforehand, and you doubt your ability of striking it successfully, kindly tag your beautiful lady along to the meeting. When you get in, whoever you are going to chapa a deal with will automatically think that she is your business partner. So what happens when the other man starts to think with his brain in the core of his balls?

And he will go forward and oblige to sign the deal with no objections, to please the woman. Hoping that later on he will get her number, ask her for a date and later ask her to ride his D, or ask her to drop her pants for him, whatever chances first. In doing so, you have your deal, and later on when you are leaving you tell her, baby let’s go.

The dummy is left inflated with anger, stressed and pinned to the floor with his own peculiar conclusions. He will feel like calling you back and confess that he was suffering from Narcolepsy, he signed the deal while asleep. But a deal is irreversible if it is already in writing and signed. For those who talk of deals yet they have nothing tangible to substantiate the claims, that is basically a promise. There you go! And you take your lady to a beautiful restaurant and treat her, make merry and don’t you think her love for you will grow even stronger?

So we rock the the line, and it is my turn. I register my pc and proceed to the metal detector door. Unfortunately it seems I am carrying lots of metals with me as the detector screams and then goes cold on me, not moving at all.

Boss toa mshipi

Mshipi?

Yeah. Mind you that really stirred my conscience. First that belt is the only thing that is keeping my trouser up there, and getting it out will violate my private land, or rather my private property development policy. But I managed to safeguard my property. I swear in the name of private developers, that next time I will not carry with me lot of metal stuff, because finally it was my watch that had wasted my time at the entrance.

I anticipated to find a full class of maybe 50 or 100 ladies and gentlemen seated distinctively listening to some guy. We were stunned when we walked in only to discover that we were the only ones, just two of us. Later on 3 more people arrived, some mhindi mathee, and a team of lady and guy from some company.

Our tutor was an inviting one. In the first few minutes he was already my buddy. His name is Julius Kinyua. He has decent PR skills. I don’t necessarily remember the name of the Patel girl but she is the motivation why I wrote this story.

I have for the longest time been itching to visit India, only for an eminent get-away. It is a visit I am anticipating. though I get an inclination that I will get bored easily bantering with creatures from this piece of the world. They drag each word. They can’t just take the shortest time to say complete a sentence, they will use a few minutes. I will get tired.

So this lady was the most active student in our lesson. She looks fairly in her mid-thirties, and used to cumbersome, bossy sitting position, the ones you lean on your chair, fold your arms, and swing around listening to your hair singing to itself. Well, from her looks, she is somehow wealthy. She got an iPad and an iPhone 6 thing on the table.

Her larger than usual suit embraces her freely, however she doesn’t appear to give a second thought. Her hair is tossed back and left to land uninhibitedly on her shoulders. She is seated on the same row with me, just one person away. So at least I am in a great position to kindly sorora her.

And the lesson begins with a powerful introduction. But I don’t remember her name. It doesn’t matter anyway. The lesson is to run from 2 to 5 pm. I abhor classes, plus sitting at the front of classrooms. It makes me uneasy.
She is one of those students who will contribute, ask questions even the most obvious, will get things wrong, even if it is immediately after the tutor echoes them over and over again, or close ears to some concepts because she assumes she already knows them to the g-spot.

The only thing that caught me is that they ain’t shy. They will always give a try, even if they wrong every time they try.

And I don’t understand why they would want to rape and complicate the English alphabet. They substitute w with v, t with d and so on.so they will say.
Ven you say that ve add a new user, vat will be his responsibilidy?

And the tutor goes pale, like he could not imagine he was not hearing anything, sincerely, prompting himself to move closer to ask her to repeat the question more than twice.

Patel runs a college along Ngong Road. I was not man enough to probe more on the details concerning her line of business and stuff, a hi alone was enough. I cowed, though they augured so well with the tutor during the tea break.

During the tea break, owing to my background, I complained of the limited amount of tea. Giving muffins to students is a bad idea. Come on, we are trying to mitigate sugar-related illnesses, such as high blood pressures, and diabetes. They are too sugary for any human consumer, though I liked the ground nuts toppings.

I acquired this negative syndrome of taking lots of tea, credits to luhya guy known as Benz, whereby I head the line to the tea pot, serve, gobble quickly and line up to confirm that it was actually empty. I must have at least 2 big cups. If I only manage to get one, I will be the first one to complain. Better deny me a hot dog, cake, muffin, pizza, and the rest of the niceties but not tea. I will call it prejudice.

When the training was over, there are these forms that you fill to rate both the content and tutor, and also give comments on the services offered, and what you would want added or increased. We were asked to fill them. Imagine what I wrote in the comments segment.

With a lot of composure:
Maybe some more tea. The tea was so inadequate so I had to drink only one cup and I am a borrowed luhya dude. Kindly ensure that you provide more tea. If you want more milk, I can help you with rearing cows.
More tea please!

-photo credit: fakingnews.firstpost

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About Mzangila

Mentor, media consultant, photographer, editor, poet, writer, and counselor.

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