Just trim your beard.

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I have faith in the ballpark of a couple of things that ladies object. There has always been a tug of war between men and women about what what ought to be and what shouldn’t. Ladies are excessively detailed. They just don’t take things lightly. You might mention something small but can be interpreted a million of ways. They can just grab a word from your sentence and raise a squabble out of it.

So here is my thing. Mwanaume ni ndevu.  This a fact you cannot dispute. If you are a man and you dispute this, it’s because you’ve got no beard at all. What is this thing that women have with men about beards? Why are they concerned much about my beard?

Just like any other male I wonder why if you are not my girlfriend you get so concerned about my bushy beard. What does it have to do with their lives? It is the only thing apart from my manhood that I treasure. It is the only thing that shows I am a man, physically. It is the only difference that makes people respect me as a man.

Throughout the years I have met a considerable measure of women, who I know minimal about, getting uncomfortable with my whiskers. “Aki si unyoe ndevu?” when they say this they sound desperate, or like the beard is going to consume me the next moment. Like they feel sorry for my ass. As if I am going to drop dead the next second and people are going to decline to come to my funeral because I have a disgusting beard. Or they will flock to my funeral and all of them will be discussing the nitty grittties of my beard. My beard will be the subject of the funeral.

And they will forget to send me off in the most descent way. And I will come back and haunt them. They will forget that it’s my funeral and they will stand beside my casket and pose for photo shoot. Or shot. Or whatever. And they will go on to post them on facebook, with a heading in CAPS, WITH MY BUDDY MZANGILA, LOOK AT THAT BEARD, THE OSAMA OF OUR TIMES. Their friends will be envious that they didn’t have a chance to get a snap with the man with the biggest beard.

Some during my funeral will just come to look out for pretty chics, while others will come to ask Elsie for a hand in marriage. I will not be around to chase away them away, they will tease her and bait her that they will purchase her a decent limo, a great royal residence in Madagascar, and take her to a 1 year excursion to the moon for their honeymoon. Every one of them being nothing but aggregate falsehoods.. She will grin. She will welcome them openly and like a blind beggar open her legs. Months later I will be having a grandchild that I will only see when Jesus comes back.

People will then then take a photo of my beard even when in the casket (a photo they won’t take when I am alive) as souvenirs. They won’t fret. They won’t shed any tears. Though they will praise me with all the nice words, but I will not hear them, they will shed tears, but I will not be moved, and under that thick lid, in an executive suit I will say “liars” and continue sleeping peacefully.

Why can’t these people fundraise and buy me that suit now. I will find joy wearing it before I drop dead with my beard. Why again do we have to send someone to the soil with expensive things, all new, which he never had in his life ever?

Anyway, we were on the beard thing. I am one man who cares little about having a massive beard. It takes me to places which I would never have gone to if I had a flat baby face. But I trim my beard weekly. It’s clean as ever, though I leave some noticeable hairs that are in shape.

I have been in like 72 relationships since I started dating. Is that too much? Some of them only lasted a day or a week and we were over each other. One thing that I am proud of is that in all these relationships I had larger beards than I do now, I used to care less about my appearance. No lady ever told me to shave even once. No, there were a couple who told me not to have sex when I have shaved because the hairs were too pricky when I kissed them or something.

So my two lady cousins have trouble with men who have beards. They have told me that I need to shave Jordan. And I wonder why shave if God gave them to us. It is like telling a lady to cut her hair off. Something she will never do, unless you are God. Instead of them being appreciative and saying ‘your beard looks good, maybe a little cut over the mouth would add you more accent’ they are busy rallying how it would be disgusting kissing a man with a beard because the hairs will get into their mouths.

Who the hell told you that I am going to kiss you? How do you even know that I am getting married? And what of these ladies who are proud to cohabit with husbands who have beards that have never seen a barber for years? The truth is I am here to stay.

Kwanza these ladies love caressing my beard as they relax on my chest. They feel good doing so. That makes me confident, and all these chatters about our beards should stop. It is my beard. I can do whatever I want with it, ata kama ni kushuka rastas. My beard is my business. Someone loves me the way I am and I am proud of that.

But if you are my girlfriend, you have the liberty of airing out your opinion. But not trying to model me to be what you want. I am already what I am, I am already modelled.

Women always believe that they will change their men. It is true. The reality of the situation is that you can’t change a man unless he chooses to change.. If there are people to change, it is you women. We grow up one way. Men are not like robots because they are the ones who make them. He can only change when he decides to.

If a man believes he looks well in his bushy beard, you cannot convince him to change. Maybe he looks himself on the mirror and decides to bring on board a new haircut. Even our fore fathers never used to trim their beards, and their women lived with them in one accord. Never did they get worried of the beard consuming them.

I rock with my beard. Someone told me if someone told you to shave your beard don’t because they are not friends. And Jeanne, a good friend of mine told me this when I asked her about it (on mail because she is overseas), and I quote.

’ Don’t listen to the guys. I think the majority (not saying all, but I do think, having performed informal polls, a vast majority) of women prefer beardlessness. Though many like little goatees and such. But bushy beards…not so much. I think if a guy can rock a beard, the woman probably thinks he looks good *in spite* of the beard, not because of it. But this is a highly opinionated submission. ‘

Janet told me

‘I would just clean it up a little, it’s a bit on the swarthy side.
That said, most women prefer no beard to beard, but that’s why I’d say to clean it up.  A well maintained beard shows you know how to take care of yourself, if you let it get out of control, it will only look impressive in an ironic mountain-man kind of way.’

Ladies please, spare us the concern. I know what is good for my face. It is my beard.

To all men, just trim your beard. It does not have to be Jordan, scruffy is good. If you love mouth…or goatee, make sure it’s clean. If it’s enormous, ensure it’s clean. Leave those women alone, they have their own problems. You don’t have to solve them while you regret for cutting down your beard…keep it clean and ignore them.

Without a man there is no beard, without a beard there is no man.

-photo credit: joyreactor

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One comment

  1. I agree,,my beard makes me who I am

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