If I ever fall in love

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I want you to look at the photo up there keenly. Don’t you see this lovely smile? Okay, doesn’t it look awesome? No, honestly, look at it again. Isn’t this the perfect smile that infants wear, even if they don’t know it, but because they are generally happy? Does it look like I’m smiling at the camera? Or doesn’t it look like the camera caught my smile?
That is a smile of happiness. I need to say this because I’ve listened to many narratives from people around me as to why I’m single. I’ve listened and endured many questions of why I’m, actually, very single. Like being single is suicide, or first degree murder.
I wonder when all of us lost the battle. I wonder where we dropped our brains because being single till marriage should be the right thing. But now being single has become vindictive. That it’s wrong. That you must have a bae, or someone by your side. And be sexually active, the lack of it, being considered sexually weak. I don’t know how the rules changed so fast from abstinence before marriage to sex, more sex, and more sex before marriage. It upsets me.
Two years ago, I was in a relationship, for a year. One that left me hollow. One that gave me insight. It drained me. And left me almost lifeless because there were times I never wanted to see her at all. Sometimes I felt something suffocate me whenever I came across her. Not that she’d done anything wrong, but because my conscience had found light- and discovered I had been doing it all wrong.
So I’ve been single. Me and myself. I guess happier than before because I got no responsibility for someone I may never end up with, if at all marriage ever turns out to be a priority in my life. And for these two years I’ve worn wider smiles, slept better, laughed more, got more peaceful, eaten better and made more friends.
Since then, I’ve not had a girl by my side as I cannot commit. Again I’m too poor in giving people attention, and very amnesiac. Something that has made many girls walk away silently.
My ability to love fellow humans has grown dimmer. And now the love has gone to other things- nature, God, smiles, books, and others things that only a heart can tell of.
Just to answer those who ask if I’m a sociopath, psycho, antisocial, unloving, indifferent- I’m totally fine. I’m cool this way. I am totally normal. Sometimes I get on heat, but I’ve learnt how to control myself (I jog every morning, leaves my mind fresh all day), sometimes I long for kisses, I’ve learnt what to eat to drive away the cravings, sometimes I want to be hugged, I open my arms and I hug people, sometimes I want to take someone out, I call a long time friend and we go out, we share laughter, and that’s happiness. That’s all that is to life. Happiness. The thing we are all fighting each other for. Only that we never view it through the right lens, that we are all after happiness. Happiness. Did you know that? That we dress to feel happy, we eat to feel happy, we do sex to feel happy, we run to reduce weight and feel happy, we gossip to feel good, we steal to attain happiness, we lie to achieve our motives and be happy. This happiness thing. Happiness.
If I ever fall in love with a girl, then let me fall with all my feet, my fingers and my heart. So that when she lies on my chest she may feel the ripples of love flowing in a honest manner. That she may hear the whispers of my love from deep inside. A love that needs no words to prove. A love so chaste and full of truthfulness. A love coming from the deepest ends of my being. And that will be the love.
It is a tough journey, but God has always prepared me for tough journeys. May my wife, in time to come, be the one to receive all I have preserved just for her. May we share a love that is full. May I be responsible then than I’ve ever been, because then it will be right for me to treat her in a special way as she will be my one and only wife. May we have everything, every moment in its right moment. May the sex be orgasmic and fresh as it will be in the right time.
May she be a girl that my old man and the world will be proud of, I included. May she be unique. A mother to our children. And may Elsie also like her as another mother.
But as of now I am in love with simple smiles, the ones that need no validation. They are a simple of beauty from inside and they reflect happiness that comes from within. May we all learn to redefine love.

 

I meant to something longer and tastier, but again circumstances couldn’t allow me. Technology decided to swallow my good article I meant to post today.

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About Mzangila

Mentor, media consultant, photographer, editor, poet, writer, and counselor.

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6 comments

  1. I love the article mzangila …
    standing for purity till marriage.

  2. Good piece Mzangila I conquer with that insight God bless and may he be gracious to you keep up

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