How I lost my whole salary in one night.

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Yesterday I went down to whispers, a famous club in Nyanda Mwamu Town in Kisii, just to grab a drink. Whispers is a very famous place, which teams up as a pub and a club, among the Mwanyagetinge villagers.

I normally don’t go clubbing, just because of the fear of the unknown. To top up, I don’t do alcohol products. So getting me in an unsober mood is like waiting for a chicken to give birth to a chicklet. I just do drinks for sober people- e.g milk, coffee, tea, etc.

It was a very cold night,and I thought grabbing a cup of hot coffee would do my stomach a tremendous favour. It is not common for me to show up in clubs just like that, and I think thats why obnoxious things happen to me coincidentally. So I took my place, some seat at the far corner of the club, where my eyes could hover freely all over the club. My eyes needed that freedom.

Whispers is usually full. Its the only pub that retails everything cheaply, ranging from drinks, space to hoes and rooms. This night it was really tight. Mind you it is just a day after 1st Dec. No wonder the club was bubbling with a lot of humanity, vibrating to and fro.

As I let my eyeballs roll around aimlessly, I could notice men and women of all kinds, even my neighbour Omsakhulu. Omsakhulu is known to be the poorest man in my village. He has five kids and three wives.

Come to think of it, how he managed to keep all of them. And this night he seemed very loaded. He was surrounded by four beauties who seemed not to get enough of him. Though club girls will just linger around you so long as they see the cash. It’s all that matters..

Kanyari,my waiter friend, knows my usual. I adjusted my seat so as to help my eyes soldier confidently. I eyed the the main entrance just to see the new hotties that were making rounds looking for someone to hook them up. I assured myself that this night I was free to get some lap dance.

First I checked my wallet, in case I had lost it. You know you can’t trust anyone in the club. It was intact.

I had my pay day on 29th Nov, so I was assured of security. A few bucks to treat myself is not bad at all, furthermore you can’t know the value of money without spending it.

Kanyari being an amicable friend of mine, came with him one of the hotties, just to save me the trouble. It was worth it I must say. As he placed my order on the table, I handed him a tip of 200 to motivate him for more favours in the future.

Time moved quite fast, fast than I could tell. I was involved with this chik, with luscious lips that left me tantalized. She had an amazing talk, mature and easily reaching out to my heart. We shared a hearty laughter from time to time as I ordered more and more drinks for the two of us.

As 10.pm approached, the DJ got his hands on the decks, and the whole club was in blasts. It is like people were experiencing seizures. The cool tones of murmer just drowned. Everyone was taken by the frenzy.

So Muthoni asked me for a dance. Ever wondered how Muthoni ended up in a village Pub in Kisii? I have so many don’ts. I don’t dance in clubs. But this night I did dance.

Not knowing what I was into, I think I must have taken alcohol by mistake and was getting into the better part of my nerves. I was mad and crazy.

The dim lights with a million colours cutting through me even made me crazier. It was fun I must attest. Being in a position where you don’t know yourself, gobbling down bottles of acidic liquids in that unknowing hour.

By 12p.m I was totally high, almost having a black out. All this while I have been holding to her a$$, fine and sexy. We danced song after song, shouting on top of our voices. We moved from one corner to another, finding our way in between the fellow drunkards.

I must have had my first club kiss during this night. I guess I did. Yes I did it . So sweet,smooth and smothering. Uncontrollable, I reached for her boobs and fondled them, one after another as I stared at them like someone looking at a spaceshuttle for the first time. They were big, like the biggest mango you can imagine.

The night drowned slowly. I was too drunk, and unable to realize that people had left the club, one after another after their fill. My feet were weaker, my body heavier and my head the heaviest. The heaviest part being on the top, I could only afford to walk on fours.

At around 7 in the morning I was woken up by a hot slap from the main bartender.
“Wake up you lazyhead!” He growled at me. “Utaosha hio uchafu yote umeweka apo”.

I looked around, like an alien on earth. The first thing I spotted was a mound of shit. I had my pants soaked in urine, and was very shirtless and saliva all over the corners of my mouth.

“Where am I?” I asked kegengo the bartender.
” Enda uliza mamako”,he retorted. “Ako apo nje!”

So I collected myself up, from this heavy stupor. My head was experiencing a blasting headache, and behind me I could see the table we were, with Muthoni the previous night. 50 bottles of guiness, all still uncollected. I wondered whether all that went down my gullet for heaven’s sake.

Just then my mum came in. She was up in all unattractive moods. Terrified and ashamed I looked down. I could not face her, with anguish spread all over her face.

I reached my back pocket to check if my security was still intact. Imagine what a shock it was! So Muthoni, the girl of the night “alikuwa ameniperemba walenje.”

Shiiiiiit!

All my salary gone, me drenched in alcohol, me in extra-ordinary shame, me pound of shit to clean, bill to pay, and broke to the last cent.

I just hoped the ground would open and swallow me……..

I hope we will open school soon. And I will never go to a club again………

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