I am a sadist. I thrill in other people’s downfalls. I find joy in seeing other people drown in anguish. That, oils my heart with pleasure. I cannot trace the beginning of this mess as I didn’t have much to do with it as a youngster. One thing I remember in my yester years is being sad most of the time, especially on realizing that the world was a harsh and cold one. Therefore, I spent most of my days inside my head, sad and depressed even. I existed in my own world, where I thought none could know because they could never understand the extent and intensity of my miseries. I was alone and lonely, forsaken by the world, secluded from the world around me, lost in my own thoughts of negativity and self-sabotage.
In building the frames of my world then, I kinda had a feeling that life was the hardest on me as compared to others. They didn’t seem perturbed by anything, and they went by their days with enthusiasm and happiness. Thus, I was envious. And as you well know, envy is a destroyer of spirits. A charred, scarred spirit cherishes bad things. It brings about revenge, for things that have nothing to its present condition. Here, it leads you to want to bring other people down to your level of sadness. You want them to experience your pain, to share your agony in a way that makes them understand your situation because you thought they never cared for you and weren’t going to.
That is where my sadism stems from. Every time is see someone in similar trouble as I was, I am like, “There you go Freckles, let’s see how you handle it! Feel it. Let’s see how tough you are.” There is comfort in numbers, even when that comfort is in the wrong realm or dimension. I totally understand that there should never be comfort in negativity, but hey, it brings me happiness- and if there is something that brings me happiness, even if it is a pint of happiness, then I am going to fight for it tooth and nail until I have it by my side.
I am writing this piece over a mug of uji. Not that I am looking for a reason to start working out again (a lady friend hinted that she don’t like uji because it gives her a potty). I have enough reasons to work out, only that I am not in need of it right now. My mind is somewhere else because I broke up with my woman yesterday. The casual way you know, as most of my relationships end. I am the choosy type of motherfuckers who won’t settle down with a woman if she don’t got all the 100% we are looking for. That means we sample a lot. There’s a long line of women that we live behind. We leave them on good terms, though they would hardly concur.
I’m in a complete smorgasbord of emotions right. I could move to the next relationship right now, if I had the right woman. Thinking of my now ended relationship, I see that it had ended long ago, long before it even started because once it kicked off, every thing I was looking in a woman was in the wrong footing. Except beauty, ass and smile. The three checked out quite beautifully. On intelligence, sex, humor, compatibility, communication- everything was heavily weighing on the negative side of the balance. But since she was madly in love with me (after pursuing her relentlessly), and I needed regularly sex, a cute smile to cheer me up, and an ass to tap once in a while, I blindly walked into this arena of gladiators.
The reason I started with the sadist story is that I know there are sadists in here. People who thrill in downfalls of others in equal measure as I sometimes do (I am trying to stop, been in therapy ever since 2017, for several reasons). And these people hearing that I have broken up with someone, especially if they didn’t like her or me while at it, are likely to celebrate this ordeal. It would be a checkmate, for sure! I won’t feel mad that some sadists are happy about my set back. They are only returning a hand, I would do the same thing, damn it!
It is my second break up this year. Someone once told me I’m allergic to relationships. I didn’t give her a response because I didn’t think so. Perhaps my problem is looking for the perfect woman. My eye is always on the next woman. That way, I hardly invest in relationships. That does not mean that I don’t treat my women well. I do. I grow every woman who crosses my path in one way or another, especially on how to be a better person. I believe in personal development as being the bedrock to an existentially exuberant life.
I mentor them. I invoke and provoke their thinking. I train them on fitness. I impart business skills. I grow their perspectives about relationships (perhaps preparing them for other relationships). I introduce a reading culture to those who lack it. If we were to line those women, any woman who has crossed my path, on a personal basis, whether a girlfriend or a friend, they will testify of this. And I remember telling some that I have a role in their lives, and once it is over, I shall move on. For sure, when time came, I moved on- but having changed their lives forever, should they take the positive.
My grip on women is strong. I am like an underwater sub, cool on the surface but moving like a tornado beneath. It’s because I like sex. It gives me energy. It helps me unwind. It helps my ever churning mind to cool down. So I am likely to stick longer to a woman who loves sex than one who doesn’t. Because she helps me become more productive.
Anyway, that said, I am not going to agonise and weep about this break up shit. That is not for me. I’ve learnt to cope well with break ups. Some take longer, others shorter time to overcome. So this week I am going to read like crazy because that is what soothes me when I break up. That, and sex. But that last part doesn’t apply now, you know, now that I’m not with a woman anymore.
After that, I’ll begin a hunting spree. I don’t know if it will be for a relationship or fuck-ship because I have already finished the recommended yearly relationship dosage. Fucking relationships work much better than normal relationships. They do. Well, until feelings get on the way, as they usual do.
Today I am not going to entertain you with a 2500 words story. I am out of my creative space. My mind isn’t at ease and if I continue, I am probably going to entertain you with lots of mindfuckery. Let me enjoy the feeling of this abyss for this week. I’ll count my losses and then when I am tired of whining like a little bitch, I’ll dust myself off, get out and go out for a date. Then I’ll pour my misery to this poor lady until she gets bored. At least she would have eaten good food out of my pocket. Then I’ll go for more and more dates, improving with each. Should one end in a one-night stand in the washroom of a hotel where the janitor is not looking for a raise (because he won’t report us if he saw shit), then I’ll let it happen. Should one end in a sleep over, I’ll welcome it.
That would be my routine for the next five months. Having a good time. Should something like Corona stop me dead on my tracks, then it would have been fate following me. I want to try new things, things I missed doing while in a relationship. Like hanging out, attending parties, sleeping out, visiting new cities, and enjoying the new air of freedom. I’ll join online dating platforms. I am going to be a king there, inboxing and chatting with every beau there. I am going to spend tons of my time entertaining good thoughts, because I’ve recently been in bad ones because things haven’t worked out as they should- failing business, accrued debts, poor lifestyle, among other things that haunt tall, skinny dudes like me.
Should things change- especially business- then I’ll dedicate my entire life to it. And in those five months before 2021, I’ll grow whatever I need to grow. There’s a plan to open up a shop- and if the investors come through, this dream is going to be true. Well, let’s wait and see how that turns out. God, if you’re listening to me right now, don’t disappoint me this time again. Just this once!
Its me your humble servant.
Where shall we go, we who wander in this wastelands in search of better selves?