Dear Safaricom

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Dear Safaricom,

Hello there! My sexy name is Mzangila, one of your most loyal customers for the last 10 years. 10 years ago I was in form one or two. So I have really grown. My spending patterns on your services have also grown in those years.

10 years ago, my spending pattern was somewhere between 10 and 20 bob on airtime. Over those years, now I can boast that the pattern has scaled up to between 50 and 100 bob. Not that my financial status has changed, but because your services have become expensive. That one, I understand. Because even the match box that used to retail at 2 bob 10 years ago costs 5 bob today. It is nature of business.

If asked whether I enjoy your services or not, I would say no and yes. No because they have turned me into a poor fellah. And yes because there is no better option. Now you see where I lie if you were to conduct a survey. And please notice that NO came first.

Since I started using safaricom, there is no single day that I have not cursed. Not even one. The few I didn’t were those when Kenya power’s tantrums coerced me to stay off for a day or two. In short, when my phone was dead. And those days are few. Cursing, from where I come from, is such a terrible thing to do, especially if you are a youth. Unlike the aged who curse and die, it brings misery to lives of young ones. I curse because of safaricom.

It is not that we don’t have problems with you. I have had to waste my days over the phone trying to reach saf customer care to reverse my money sent to a wrong number (my fingers are huge. They don’t dial the right numbers, thus the mistakes. Blame God). I have ended up losing lots of money to people who don’t care much about returning it back. People who are crooked. For that reason, I have had to fall into lots of debts.

As if that is not all, I have had to wait hours on end to talk to you about my issues. All you can do is tell me to hold on while you play me music advertising your services as well as products. In the end, I end up not being assisted. Having called to seek help about my line, I end up feeling like you used me as an advert tool, one that you can pump your crazy ads to.

You see my best friend is a stammerer. One who can’t find the right greeting in less than a minute. I know you cannot understand that but at least you should do something about it. I have to talk to him for at least 20 minutes for me to get the right information from him. Otherwise, I’ll be damned. In one minute, you charge 4/=. If you multiply this by 20 minutes, it means I have to spend 100/= on just 5 broken sentences from my best friend. Are you really being fair? 20 bob inaishia kwa salamu tu.

On a number of occasions, I have had my data bundles disappear without me using them. That one I can attest to. One minute you are having 50mbs, at the end of the day, a day when your data is off, all you have is a text – Dear Customer, your data is below 2mbs. That is wonderful, right? It is amazing how it gets siphoned without you using it.

I have also faced a situation of getting my airtime getting finished magically. 20 bob is supposed to last at least 5 minutes, on a tariff that costs 4 bob per minute. But there are occasions when 20 bob can’t go beyond 3 minutes.

By now am sure you know that many Kenyans lose millions of money through Mpesa. Sometimes you will send money to the wrong number, which of course is not a deliberate mistake. When you call for assistance, if it goes through, the lady at the end of the line tells that there is nothing they can do. And then advises you to call the person you sent the money to and plead with them to return you money. In Kenya, no one makes a mistake of returning the money. Even if it is meant for a burial, or hospital. Reckless advice.

I always wonder why you want to call us dear all the time as if we are your boyfriends and girlfriends. We have our loved ones who calls us even better names. Dear is soothing, but in a business that involves defrauding innocent Kenyans, that is unacceptable. It is never good news referring me as dear.

My 10 year relationship with you has been a rough one.  I just did a math on how much I might have spent on airtime for 10 years. I am surprised to discover that I have spent a whole plot in Kamulu on airtime. A whole plot. Let me stop here.

And these many meaningless SMSs you send us muache. Some don’t look like a day on the beach. Zinajaza memory and they waste my time. Ati bonyeza ushinde. Nibonyeze nini? Si mbonyeze uko kwenyu mshinde juu washindi wote ni kama mia. Hao employees wenu si they are more than that? Let em do the shit yoh Damn!

I hate to know that you are my friends. The kind that rides on my misery. I want my money back. Do you hear me? I want my money back.

 

From

Yours Truly.

 

Signed with hate.

 

Ps:

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-Photo Credit: Techmtaa

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