It is pretty clear that now we can never be a thing; even more specific that I can never have you. Worse is that I now understand that someone came before me and took what was meant to be my spot. He moved in and stayed, denying me the opportunity to try my luck on you; as far as I am concerned this is a game of luck where the highest bidder bags the fortune.
I am left with no alternative, at this point, than write this letter, given that the only friend left with me is the pen of my hand that espouses me with all my flaws. To the best of my understanding, perhaps this might not be the most suitable channel to push my sentiments. It is the only option that I am comfortable with- to discharge my innermost feelings towards you. It doesn’t matter at this moment as nothing in your heart will change about me.
I leave in frustration, with a slouched head, chains of broken dreams and uneven shattered pieces of what used to be my heart. Nothing can I do to make a perfect stitch to my life because the agony is insurmountable to live with at this moment. Nothing is still in me- every last trace of my skin, bones and blood trebles with anguish, brokenness, and weakness. In the least expression, nothing feels like it is my own. I am a stranger to myself.
There are various signs that illuminate me that I was literary mistaken when I met you, that I read all your signs wrong from the first moment. That you impressed me whilst nothing about me could move you to me- not even my adoration for you. Not even my nice hugs that now resemble empty clasps of hands. Not even the diction of my words could move your heart to love me even a little.
It is right to love someone who doesn’t love you- we all have that glowing hope in us that keeps consoling us that one day that person will change. I so believed, that one twilight you’ll see the beautiful dusk and wish I was there to watch that sunset with you- hope, as it keeps us alive. It is all we live for.
But now my comprehension of my foolishness is clear as it took me decades to finally discover there was no connection between us. I was in too deep when you casually busted me with the news that you were dating. You crushed me and my dreams. I sobbed, broke and hid in my room for days- attempting to persuade my ears that they had a hearing problem. I shut the world from myself because that reality confounded me, made me running for a wall to find support for my debilitated legs. My knees were frail.
I was drunk with you to a point of illusion. I guess I was not learning anything from all the signs you sent to me. The way you asked so many questions about my life had made me think you were endeavoring to know me. I was completely wrong- it was your temperament to know people.
I no longer recognize this body of mine, and I want to flee from myself if that was conceivable. Now that it isn’t, I want to clear my contemplations with this letter, telling you my affection for you was uncommon. Given the circumstances around which I was raised up, it has been really tough for me to love people, especially one woman. I am a Casanova who bundles women together and uses them for whatever means- but mostly for sex. Loving you would have been my chance to leave this life of double-sidedness.
It was the only shot to rescue myself from this pit. But you, my rescuer, couldn’t end up with me on this intense journey. You left me out there in the cold winds with my genuine feelings and love, to wither and be destroyed by minxes who knew nothing about me like you did.
I believe that by now you know you’re the special type- the one that came into my life and stalled everything. You made me shed all I had achieved and then left me on the pedestal of untold misery. You left me confused, and drunk, and empty. I wanted every moment to be about you, to stay and chat all night, to hold hands and chuckle and lie on each other’s laps. It must have been love….but it is over now.
So it is my time now to face my own devil and plod forward. To travel to the worlds far, in search of personal emancipation, peace and freedom to be the man I have always wanted. To tour the world and meet other people, see beautiful things and appreciate life. I really want to board the next flight to the Bahamas, go to the beaches and swim all day, lie on my back for a sunbath, watch women with bras and thongs as they strut across the seashores.
I will forget of these memories after days. My mind will be filled up with new exciting sceneries that will supplant the old recollections. Freshness will hug my whole body and my mind will wear new cologne of thoughts. Maybe, I’ll meet a new woman to change my story.
It will be a new dawn to fete. I will fall in love and that will be new beginnings. My obsession with you will die.
Mzangila J Snr
Where shall we go, we who wander in this wasteland in search of better selves?