There is nothing as bad as being naïve. I mean like you can’t strike any intelligent and meaningful conversations with even your friends. But not worse like being abused by a lady in public. Have you, as a man, had such an experience? A lady getting on your neck in the streets of town and rallying to everyone how stupid you are, or how you got a tiny shuma, or even how you don’t do bills, or even how you cum even before getting inside her Mombasa raha, and stuff? She has the balls to bring you down.
Imagine that you are walking in the streets of Nairobi on that busy day, when the streets are full of people who seem like they got nothing to do and nothing to lose altogether. You are walking with your girlfriend, and then suddenly you piss her off subconsciously and she gets really nasty. You know how nasty women can be, like really nasty.
She decides to open her heart out there in the streets with an involuntary crowd watching the skirmish and enjoying the beat you are receiving. When a woman gets pissed off, especially bossy women with an attitude, they are bad news. When I say bad news I mean it. she can decide to hurl every nasty thing she imagines of, she can even try to pounce on you, bite you, slap you, hit you with a stone, her high heeled shoes might find a way on your back, and demean you like you were a thing. And the crowd amasses there like it has been waiting for this, like some Mashemeji Derby in Nyayo Stadium.
When a woman reduces you to nothing but a thing, it means trouble. But men are always trouble makers and good trouble sorters. I have been a victim a number of times, not like I find joy in pissing my girlfriends off at every available opportunity, hell no! I only like talking about a lot of life stuff, like appreciating a hot woman who just passed by and her perfume left me almost heartbroken, or like saying how that ugly watchie looked at her and hinting that she would have been courteous and smiled back……..or like saying women generally don’t dress decently and men have ‘a right’ to instill some moral mind in them….or like many ladies are too fat and disgusting and would hate marrying a pimp woman or something…. And she can pick something out of my genuine opinionated statements and raise a mountain outta it.
This one day I decided to be a man and teach her a lesson. There is this particular lady I had met somewhere in one of the events that I gatecrashed. Don’t worry about my gatecrashing syndrome, it is inborn; by default so to say, in Karen area sometimes back. I swear I meet many of my girlfriends at events. That’s the only reason I would gatecrash an event anyway. Her name is Janet.
DISCLAIMER to Janet.
If you are reading this story, I am xo xo xo xorry beby gal. I am not here to ruin your reputation so that all men may see how bad you are or something. I am just trying to make a scintillating tale here, no offence. Things might not have worked xo well for us but I am sure they will with other men; hopefully. I am just trying to write of my life experiences, some of which happen to have been partially influenced by you. Don’t come after my neck for heaven’s sake. They won’t know you, or they might not care or even give a damn about it. Just overcome your emotions and support me in this story. Though some parts I will write might really annoy you to death and you may loathe me to death. Please don’t.
Having apologized to my”x-generation” ex, I am at liberty to talk like a gentleman. A gentleman asks for permission, and apologizes in advance in case the matter at hand happens to be over-sensitive before he talks about real nasty stuff. Isn’t that one of the primal fundamentals of a gentleman? Whether you agree or not I am not bothered, I am one of the gents of the century.
Janet was one lady that I can’t just happen to forget in one year or even one decade. She was just too individualistic; a character she tells me hails from the central part of this country. I am a Kisii for heaven’s sake. And I am from Nyanza. This cheap bullshit about not recognizing that Kisiis are from Nyanza should end. Again I don’t know who told you people that only Luos are from Nyanza. He has a powerful conviction that we were forgotten and out of the picture. Without us there is no Nyanza. We supply food for those people while they trade in with balaa…balaa is some stuff like soda ash used in cooking things like maize and beans, cereals in general. Basically we feed those Luos. That makes us the life-sustainers of the south Nyanzans. We own Nyanza. Just like the publishers we are forgotten, only the author is appreciated. Do you even understand me? Nyanza combines of Kisiis and Luo. Get that in your damn mind as from now.
Individualistic people don’t give a damn about other people. They are full of themselves and not even for one moment do they think of their neighbor, not even the closest friend like boyfriend or husband. That was Janet. Number two she was proud. That does not need more elaboration. Thirdly she was bossy. Who needs a bossy girlfriend or wife? For what? What kind of man wants competition in his own homestead or life, from a woman so close to him? No one.
You know, us as men, our definition of a good lady or wife material is different. We basically marry to get helped on the areas we can’t help ourselves with. We have a problem with waking up to a pile of dirty dishes overflowing the sink, we have trouble getting our laundry done, we have even more trouble about thinking of what to cook, leave alone the cooking itself. Generally we have problems with getting small ‘housewife problems’ getting fixed. And that is the biggest reason we would wish to marry; to get helped on those specific areas. That is the superlative part a woman influences in a man’s life.
Having a lady who does not want to touch the utensils at any instance or even just come across them is like having an old Volkswagen parked in a garage forever. And Janet was much the same, just of less value to my life. She couldn’t cook, she could not wash utensils, she could not provide, she could not even sweep my house, and for the 10 months we stayed together all our laundry was done by wa-githinji on my own cash.
Despite her being ungrateful and unappreciative I housed her and loved her as my girlfriend. I don’t know why I kept her around but I am yet to find out. All she could was to laze around the house and watch soap operas, do her nails nicely, beautify herself, go to salon weekly, and don expensive clothes- all from my sweat.
One day we went to town, on a weekend as it is the only time I was free to have my own time, kuchill out and have some foreign air brush on our bodies. It is here that drama ensued. As we were out there having some good time, we met a few of my friends (two) who were also out there having some good time. Look, these were girls I knew from high school and we were friends, only that we had not seen each other for a while. You know the excitement, right? The way you can hug, hold tighter for a few more seconds and try to catch up a little.
This went down well on my side as we enjoyed a little chat, and even introduced Janet to them as my loved girlfriend. They also did introduce themselves and we were on good grounds. It is the best strategy to employ if you want to avoid trouble. But then it was not as good as I had thought. I was dumber than a senseless maggot could be.
After the duo had left Janet was on my neck, enquiring why I hugged them so romantically, and for long, like how I kept smiling and winking at them suggestively. It was serious but I took it literally because since I started dating I have never been unfaithful, neither do I think of being one in the future. So I told her there was nothing to worry about because there can never be an affair between me and another lady if I have a girlfriend. She however demanded to know why I had hugged them tightly and smiled at them and winked suggestively and laughed at their jokes…
‘It is a natural phenomenon. Come on Janet…I have not seen them for a while, you expected me to do what? Keep silent and behave like a moron or a white assed bitch?’ by now were in town centre heading to Kencom to catch a bus home.
‘Oh so you smile at every girl you find, how do I even know you are not doing more than a smile to others? Why have you never smiled at me like you did to them?’
‘What is there to smile about? You never crack jokes, you never do anything to make me laugh or smile.’
‘Mmmh, is that so Mzangila! How about I start smiling at every man on the streets and see how you will feel!’ she threatened me.
‘You think I will feel anything, or even care? I will just leave you to smile out here in the streets while I go home and enjoy some rest on my favorite couch.’ That might have hurt some part of her. So she pushed me and landed a cheap fist on my chest. Just as any man could have reacted, I watched her calmingly.
‘What do you think you are doing?’ some onlookers must have seen us as we dramatically argued and caused a frenzy on the street. So they were keen and followed up with the matter. I think Janet so this as an opportunity as she had their attention.
‘You are a useless man, I don’t even know why I am staying with you. I don’t know why I loved you, you are ugly and filthy… I don’t want you anymore. You disguise me, you are so poor in bed, can’t even satisfy me.’ I am Kisii man, and one thing we are truly revered for is the power of our machismo. So that was out of question and I could not get angry at such a baseless accusation. That is even the major reason that made her stay with me. The power of the shuma. Maybe she lacked something better to tell the public.
That was cheap bullshit. And people especially the jobless will hoard around to listen intently and laugh and jeer you. The crowd gets even bigger. And the lady gets courage to even hurl more and more crap at you. The same happened. A crowd formed around us while I listened all the filthy insults. More and more people trickled in with time. Free cinema I guess. And Kenyans we love vya bure sana. I tried to walk away but she pulled me back severally, commenting rudely of how foolish I was.
Finally I got annoyed by her bossy proud behavior, and the way she could play around with me like a dick in front of all those passengers. The passengers stopped to board buses and came to witness, touts and drivers were not left behind either. But finally I left the vicinity with a hot slap on her face, which silenced the pride in her head and left her as vulnerable like any woman. Everyone left at that moment and she was left alone crying by herself as I headed home.
So I catch a bus home. I am yet to buy a new car after I sold the one I had to help me locate to a new decent suburban. I catch a seat near the window and watch as the buildings, people and trees run past us. It is a concept I have never understood. Can someone tell me? Why things run past you when travelling with a bus or a car? Why don’t they just move forward? I think I need help understanding this. As I watch them I am blank. The events of that evening cleared my mind. I needed that peace from my bitch. Every little moment I was far from her, the more happier and relaxed I was. Kenny Rogers’s coward of the county hit the classic 105 radio and I sang it to the night. I sang it right from the bus to my doorstep. Maybe I had been one till that evening when I landed a hefty slap on Janet. Maybe she would love me more after it.
Janet turned up at my door at three minutes past 10. That was uncouth behavior. Where had she been all that long? She comes in with a torn face, sore and boiling. The fight rejuvenated and I was glad it did. So she comes to where I am resting my ass and lands blows on my face bitterly like an outraged luhya bull.
You see I am raised with a concept of the jungle. The lion. When a wife becomes stupid, you punish her. You correct her with a thorough beating. And I did exactly that. I gave her a thorough beating that would come to remain the cause of her fears for me. I resorted to caning her like she was an outgrown kid mwenye amememea pembe. I beat her till she begged. How sweet it was to be begged from disciplining her with sweet words.
‘Aki baby unaniumiza. Am sorry I got outrageous. Utaniua honey. Please stop. Uuuuiiiii! Stop please!’ She was like a wounded lioness. I got seduced by her sweet vocabulary and held her in my arms, comforted her and sent her to sleep.
I do not find any joy in fighting crap out of anybody, no matter how you annoy me. I don’t pick vengeance and seek revenge. But in such a situation I was fighting intensely for my life. But again little discipline to a lady who was not taught manners by her momma is absolutely acceptable.
The point I have been driving all along in this story is that once in a while discipline has to be instilled to a bossy woman with an attitude. Do not condone nonsense from your girlfriend. Just teach her a lesson. Things like FIDA should not scare you, because you just don’t wake up one day and decide to beat up your wife. Not unless you are a woman from kiambu or nyeri who just at the wake of any dawn can just decide to end your life instantly.
And for your info, those things you here about kiuk women from some parts of Kenya are real. Do this, avoid those hotspots. Getting wives from some place is similar to signing your death warrant alongside marriage certificate. You know why? These women are chauvinists (feminists) who only have a belief that a woman needs only money from a man. In much simpler language, they want your money. After that you do not matter, so they can kill you…their emotional attachment is with your pocket, not with you.
Be wise with the kind of woman you want to take to your momma or your pap. Do not marry because you have to. You have more to worry from these ladies…but first of all make enough money.
Something interesting happened the following day. Something I don’t regret much about. But here is the tip.
The thing is girls with attitude gets a lot of unwanted attention and if you do the same you will mess up everything. Act normal then she will know you’re someone who doesn’t give a crap about who she is, and this will bother her.
Like why is he not looking at me, why is he treating me as just another girl, which will make her come to you. And when she does, the key is maintaining your attitude and confidence else she will know you too are one of the needy guys and ignore you.
This is from my personal experience. After her, I managed to be very good and close friends with some girls of her type! The only thing I did was, be confident and treat them like just another girl!
Even if her eyes melts your heart, act like you’re your heart is made of stone. Even if talking to her brings butterflies in your stomach, act like you fucking don’t care who she is. NO it will not driver her away, it will make her even more curious as to why you’re acting like this? What wrong has she done and this will be something new to her something different. Trust me she’ll chase you. Once you’re friends, talk to her normally but don’t give her too much importance.
All the best!
Do you wanna know what happened after the incident? You want to know what Janet did? Let me know in the comment segment.