By Tabitha Ezra
There was a time I made a serious decision which soon landed me on the verge of shame and humiliation.
Well, it happened that my ex-fiancé and I had planned for a wedding. It was supposed to be simple but very beautiful. We had intended to use this occasion to create a powerful bond between friends and family, a symbol of unity among loved ones. But in the middle of our plans, I sensed that God was not fully into it as I had hoped He would. I wasn’t sure though of this strange feeling but I could tell that the Lord was rather reading from a different script, and to be honest I did not know what He wanted me to do.
So many a times I wrestled with Him in a prayer because I needed His approval, I longed to feel His presence around me, I needed to hear His voice, I wanted to feel convinced that He was ok with this wedding. At times I could remind myself that I was just being paranoid by some little fears because I was about to begin a whole new life with somebody I did not grow up with, and so I told myself a thousand times that it was alright to feel a little frightened with this new experience because every girl has to go through those awkward moments before saying ‘I DO’ so I tried to convince myself that it was normal to feel that way.
As I struggled with fear in certain occasions, there were moments of excitement during this period as well. Every time I entertained these beautiful thoughts of getting married, turning to a new chapter in my life, I was often overwhelmed with joy, and for sure I treasured such moments. So many a times I wished they could last forever.
Well, these frightening cum exciting moments and thoughts were soon to be cut off from my life or rather turned into nightmares!!!
It all started when the supposed to be officiating minister who had previously been in full support of our plans suddenly changed his attitude towards the wedding. Out of the blue, he told me that the wedding should not be allowed to take place as scheduled due to a few requirements which my fiancé was still expected to meet before we could tie the knot.
We had actually met all the requirements and so these new ones were surprising as well shocking to me but I was not in a hurry to get married although was so anxious about it. The wedding was then postponed for a period of weeks.
During this short period of two weeks, I experienced Hell.
One thing led to another, and suddenly nothing good was happening anymore, we were not making any progress.
The minister then dropped a bombshell when he told me that he would not be officiating our wedding because of some serious allegations which he had been told about this guy and so he could not afford to overlook them.
These allegations were actually true. This guy had a ‘not-so-proud-of’ past of which he told me all about during the courtship period and since he had proved to have transformed from it, I thought it was alright to give him a second chance in life…..and to be honest, who hasn’t done any mistake in their lives? We have all sinned in one way or the other, although our sins and mistakes may differ in perception but a sin is a sin and everyone deserves a second chance, right?
We moved to the next pastor but there was no luck as well…… but how could they be so judgmental? Who made them God to judge people? So I thought to myself!!!
I had completely forgotten that I had earlier prayed for God’s approval concerning my marriage. Of course I never expected God to come down here and tell me to my face ‘this is the guy I created for you’ or ‘No my child, this is not your Mr. Right’
So many a times God does speak to us through our fellow human beings but the problem is, we hardly listen or understand Him.
I failed to gasp His words although HE spoke out loud.
So since no minister was willing marry us, we went ahead and did things our own way and before long, I found myself in a big mess. The relationship had just ended and with an innocent baby girl attached to it.
I thought that my life was over.
I had no-one to turn to, no-one to talk to because I was given prior warning concerning the man but I stubbornly refused to heed. At a time I thought I needed help, comfort and words of encouragement from the man of God, I had no courage to face him since I was already expectant out of wedlock and that was/ is considered a disgrace to the believers. I could not go anywhere without being gossiped. I felt deserted by loved ones and friends and I guess their desertion was the real blow in my situation because I felt I could not overcome my problems if they were not by my side.
With everything said and done, I had no-one else to blame but myself.
Buried in gloom, despair and shame, I still had to make an effort to live because there was a living being in my womb, innocent and lovely and I had to stay alive for her sake.
I occasionally had ‘friends’ visiting but there was no word of hope from any of them. They were often filled with gossip about other people, bad mouthing almost everyone who happened not to be perfect according to their rankings. They would inquire information from me about my situation ‘the wedding that never was’ so they named it. They would fill their gossip jars with my predicament only to let it loose the moment they departed from my presence, some friends, some people are sometimes.
The trend continued!!! Hopeless, sad, confused and alone I felt so miserable until one day when I received unexpected guest who he prayed for me and then shared the word of God, the word was full of hope and he told to remember who I really am. “Kindly remember who you are.” Those were his exact words. This may sound meaningless to many people but to me it became a cornerstone. The repetition of these words in my mind turned it into a powerful slogan in my life, and it restored strength in my soul.
For so long I presumed that I needed friends to overcome my situation. I never realized until then that what I needed most was a positive attitude, a good spirit. People go through stuff in life but it is the willing spirit to get out of it that really works. It is what we are willing to do that can either gets us out of a situation or keep us stuck to it. Some people called me a fallen angel, some people used my story to set as an example, all because I got a child out of wedlock, the insult, shame and humiliation, all these brought great anguish in my soul. I felt helpless; I had sinned against God, my unborn child and also myself.
But the night after the visit, I got down on my knees and had one of those tender-long-chats with my Creator- God and that night I discovered that there is no prayer that the LORD does not listen to. He listens to saints as well as sinners, and when we turn to Him in honesty with sincere prayers, we live His divine presence changed people. The experience I got that night is a special story hidden inside my heart, I hope to someday share it with my grandchildren.
The LORD turned my life around. He restored hope and peace of mind to my ebbing life. He gave me a reason to fight for the little one I was carrying inside, and for the first time after weeks of sleepless and sorrowful nights, I was able to have a sound sleep. God is always a prayer away. My problems did not magically disappear but God gave me a reason for living. He erased all the negative thoughts which I consistently had entertained and He replaced them with positive thoughts of life. Life is precious and it is worthy living.
Whenever we are faced with challenges, there will always be people around, some of these people will indeed give genuine counsel and they will also be supportive, understanding and loving too but the first counselor who we should always consult before seeking other opinions is God.
He invites us in Mathew 11:28 “Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.”
It is along story but four years down the line, my life has never the same again. I thank God for rescuing me and for granting another chance to live again and to experience the beauty of being alive. The greatness of God is renewed every morning in our lives, my daughter is very beautiful, looks like me completely and she’s bright too, she loves books a lot, I guess she inherited that spirit from me. I know that at the right time my Mr. Right will show up and I will thank God for him. I’m hopeful in life and the future is sure bright because God is in the lead.
Thank you for reading, God bless you.
-Phot credit: classroom