Bad girls revised bible

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Somebody’s son is going to end up in your hands. A son some parent(s) struggled to bring up properly. A son who you are going to handle, or rather try to handle because he is macho. One who will act honcho and you the missus, his labourer; the slave.

But before you get him, the rough road you’ll need to tread has not yet been laid out for you. Shit might be supposed to roll downhill, unfortunately, at the bottom of the hill a large fan is powering the shit back uphill intensely. Therefore, you need stark quality of character to get that shit going down the right way, or else you will end up landing your ass somewhere with pricks.

Hitting on a girl brought about so much feedback. Having given men some tips of getting a girl, many girls- girls is only in this context, otherwise you are all women and ladies– felt I should do them justice too.

A few days ago a pastor accidentally sends nudes of his penis to the WhatsApp group of his church. Of course he died few minutes later courtesy of suicide. He joined the long queue to hell to get a toast of his own share of torment. Cheers pastor!

That’s how haywire our morals have gone. With such behaviour, finding love is intricate. When the moral strand of the people is rotten, the equation of love suffers a blow.

I will tell for free that relationships suck. They will bring you emotional baggage. And you have to share your distress, plus some from the other person in your life. You will get sick of each other. Waking up to the same face every day is not cushty, sometimes all you feel like seeing is just a wall. Other days, a cute cat sleeping by your side is just elevating and energizing. The dark spot on his face, the pimple on her face, the snoring he does, the farts she shoots, all start becoming pronounced, ugly and irritating.

You will feel you really didn’t have that need for another person in your life…this simply means that there is nothing easy about relationships. Things aren’t smooth. If you think you just got into a little Haven, or just arrived where your dreams were, Zeus will rattle you with repugnant shit that comes with two people starting to share their lives.

This is not to mean that there aren’t any successful relationships. They exist. There is love in this world. But you need to get it right with your relationship and your partner. Finding the right compass for your relationship is a vital ingredient.

A few years ago, for two years, I stood in front of women, talking. Talking of relationships, intimacy, sex, marriage and love- as if I was married. As if my relationships rocked. As if I was the perfect example of what humanity should embrace. Looking down that line then, the admonition I professed is the same that applies even today. And that includes what a man wants from a girl, or how can a girl manage to get it right with a man.

The number of single moms is super high. The number of single and desperate women is so heartbreaking. The number of heartbroken women can’t fit in our computers. The rate at which divorces are happening is terrific. Some are claiming the men have become dogs. Which of course is superfluous and flimsy because who tasted all these men on earth and proven the stats?

In this article, we are talking about the dating stage, no games of kicking it because back there the manual is quite different. I want to imagine that you are tired of playing games, that maturity has finally found you. That you have decided to wear a serious face so that you can date and maybe three years down the line, walk down the aisle with the man of your dreams. Here we go, shall we?

You are a woman
That cannot change. The upcoming feminist who doesn’t have a man in her life will try to tell you that you deserve equality, that what a man can do a woman can do better. Can you ejaculate? No. Can a man bear a kid, no! He has no womb. Whether you are learned to the highest levels on earth, you still a woman and he is a man. That shouldn’t change. That feminist is trying to justify her situation to hide the guilt and frustrations.

Knowing your place as he does lessens competition of two men being under the same roof. Behave the woman you should be. If you want to stay alone, then get banners written “I will strip if Parliament doesn’t grant women equality” and get yourself on the road. Good luck Mr. Feminist. We cannot discuss of tomboys. They are just an entirely confused race.

Dress decently
You really want a confident man who wears a professionally cut, three piece suit and you wearing skimpy coverings that leave your boobs dangling and your ass out in the sun? Girl, no! It only works when you know your body is of value. Valuable things such as gold are hidden down below, miners have to dig hard, sweat, use explosives and cranes to get it out. But things like sand that is everywhere is just trampled over by everyone because it’s of low value.

If all you receive are comments “you look sexy“, eliminate ” y” and understand that the best you can be is a sex tool. Men need them to quench their thirst. Sexy is qualified for use and dump. Something good can never be bad even if badly packaged. It will always remain invaluable.

Cooking 101
Whoever came up with the proverb the way to a man’s heart is through the stomach was not a psycho.  Signs and symptoms of a good missus is her skills in the kitchen. Naturally, men aren’t talented in cooking, it’s an art that women perfected in. Whoever cooks a Man’s meal at his home will end up to be promoted into the queen of the house. Including the mboch. Men will marry to get a hand in things they themselves ain’t good at, like cooking.
Just get the basics. YouTube does wonders these days. Nobody cares whether all your life you’ve never held a cooking stick, or if your whole young life was spent in lines at Galitos or pizza inn. You got to know your way in the kitchen.

In everything under earth, terms and conditions have to apply. When or before you find your feet into a relationship, your man should understand your terms- expectations so to say. We are used to go by our manual. And once your man doesn’t know what you need, he will swing you into his life. And you’ll live his life, forget yours and in the end lose yourself. Let him know how he got to treat you. Be sure he’ll step up.

Pride won’t get you a man, neither does acting hard to get
Most men love to hunt. Yeah, the resilient. Some, like me, are always on the move. When you build a high fortress around yourself from the same people you need, you’ll lose them. Know when it’s the right time to get them in, right before they give up. Inflated ego will only burst on your face. And you’ll die an instant death because nobody is made to eat or tolerate you pride. Keep it simple, real and worth the chase.

Know your worth
This is like League of Nations. If you are a hooker, you can’t wish for a good man. If you are lazy, don’t dream for a hardworking man. Go for what you can handle. Beyond your league, let go. You’ll struggle to maintain that league, and you’ll die a terrible death before you attain it. Again, don’t lower yourself too low. If he wants you that bad, he’ll climb up and reach out for you.

Carry some brains with you
Studying in Yale or Harvard may not guarantee you a degree in TV remote operation. Know the basic stuff like how to switch on an extension. Know where the power buttons are on that CPU damn it! Hold the TV remote, read the words there, I’m sure you’ll crack that code. Getting incessant calls at work that you can’t switch on a TV, surely, can be irritating. Get the manual on the table and read it.

You still want a sponsor?
Your boyfriend is not your bank. As much as we may want to provide you everything, we loathe lazy asses. Get up and do something, get some money for your lingerie. If you get a man that lavishly gives everything, then you are an option.

Courtesy doesn’t kill

Be benign and warm towards people. A missus is the homemaker. Breathe warmth into others.

Soap operas

Just watch them. Have a time of your life with your favourite programmes. But don’t translate whatever you see in those operas into real life. You need to understand that the discrepancy between acting and reality is from here to heaven. That big.

Lower your expectations

Let him surprise you. Having high expectations will leave you frustrated. He is human, and can only be himself. Throw those expectations at the door.

Bad boys!
Who said they are good? Drinkers, lazy, batter their women, carefree, broke and inebriated all the time. They might look boring, calm men, but who said they aren’t the best men? Your destiny doesn’t need to be known later when you take a drunk as your partner. We will not be surprised if you get your throat slit because we saw it way before.

Calm your balls down, stop ignoring good men on your way. They love God, got jobs, dedicated, futuristic, and look like they can raise a family. What else do you want woman, an elephant? That one you have to go to maasai mara.

Time for himself
There are so many times men need time to think, or hang out with the boys, or go grab a drink, or watch soccer, you know. You are part of his life, not in his entire life. Let him enjoy his time. Leave him alone…he doesn’t need you to be there. Don’t follow him to the garage, it is the only place he can be 100% male.

Even if you love him 101%, don’t nag. Shut up! Just shut up! To a man, a cool relationship is good. He loathes coming to a house where the first welcome is – where have you been? That scares. That’s why some men will run to the bar after work and drink till late because they hate going home to mouth gout infested woman. Therefore, he has to drink to stay immune to your nags till the following day. Be gentle…ask kindly so that you can invite him to a conversation.
But the phrase- we need to talk- should never come out from your mouth. It’s just scary as death itself. He won’t show up till late when you asleep. Who wants to talk nowadays? Not even me.

Love to the best of your level
Do not spare anything. He will reciprocate. We know good women, if you are one, we will work to keep you by our side.

Some church. Just belong to any. It may curb your silly drinking habits and impulses.

All these will contribute to a good character. Anything that readily adds to an impeccable character is welcomed.
That’s a bad girl reformed. Buy me some espresso if your life gets a turnaround.

Till next Wednesday, Cheers!

  • Photo credit: Img

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Man of all seasons

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