A Window Into BDSM

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I wager some of you have never heard of BDSM. Unless you’re a freak, this is a world less treaded. It is a world where dark hearts find light, in a rather unusual way. In this world, they can be themselves, forgetting the high positions they hold in society, the false picture they portray to the world and other life frustrations, unload their miseries, and get to a stance where they turn pain into pleasure. So if you have no idea what BDSM is it is you who I am intending to talk to today.

BDSM stands for Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, and Sadism/Masochism.

Before we delve further into the subject, I’d love to give a warning. The contents of this article are purely for educational purposes. I might introduce to you stuff that sounds strange and unlikely of me and the principles we embrace in Mzangila Family. My hope is that this serves as an eye opener, and do not take it for gospel truth because I am not expert. Just like the rest of you, I am a curious person who always wants to discover more ways of achieving ultimate pleasure in this short life. Cheers!

When we talk of BSDM, it is about combining sex, power, and even pain in a healthy manner. It involves two partners who truly TRUST each other, whereby the Sub (one in submission) gives the Dom (dominant party) their ultimate trust.  You might ask trust to do what?

That would be a genuinely good question. BDSM involves several tools of pleasure, which both parties have to agree to way before they decide to practice this. This is to say that BDSM is mutual, overly based on consent. Both parties must come into terms, agreeing what to try and to what extent. And in this case, both have to have had thorough communication on several issues way before.

As beginners, the Dom doesn’t usually have ultimate power over the Sub as they’re getting to know each other. The key to a successful experience is to know the limits. BDSM is about pushing your limits, not passing them. Understanding each other’s boundaries will determine the success of the experience. As this becomes habitual, the Dom will have some kind of dominance but will know to which extent to exercise it.

Before you begin, both parties have to agree on safe words to use during the process. Safe words are particular words said by the Sub when they feel they want the Dom to stop. This can be when the process becomes uncomfortable, painful, when the Sub is tired or has had enough pleasure among other reasons. The Dom must recognize these safe words so that he/she immediately stops when the Sub utters them.

Among the BDSM services are :Bondage, Body worship, Breast worship, Cock worship, Pussy licking, Ass licking, Foot Worship, Master roleplay, Slave roleplay, Strap on, Canning, Spanking, Spitting fetish, Force feeding, Humiliation, Femdom, Toilet slave,Forced be, Character play, among others.

In the infamous movie Fifty Shades, BDSM looks like slavery (abuse even). Its representation in movies will immediately magnify your dislike for it. That one party endures torture while the other one enjoys ultimate pleasure is a misrepresentation of what possibly BDSM would be. How do I know this? I don’t have to be an expert in the field. Despite having watched several BDSM porns videos on pornhub, that doesn’t necessarily make me a stalwart because that part of actually experiencing something brings to life a deeper meaning to a concept than when reading about it or even watching others do it.

As a man who loves trying new stuff, it is a thing I once envied to do, at a time when I hardly understood what it truly meant. Over the years I immersed myself into studying it, from books to videos to trying it. It is not that hard to find someone who loves weird fun, in case you’re wondering who I tried it with. I have in me the power to sell ideas and hope to people in a way that confuses them into wanting to try them out. Not that I want you to go out and start having threesomes and all that kind of shit. Of course threesomes are awesome, you should try them out.

I’ve recently resuscitated my efforts in this subject because I met some young lady who’s passionate about it. She’s quite secretive and self-loving. She suggested this book on Wattpad, Introduction to BDSM. First of all, I love women who read. A woman with a watt pad app on her phone is a direct turn on for me. She might not be an avid reader, but the fact that she has that app makes me know that she thinks of growing her mind as often. An avid reader is a goldmine of knowledge, and conversations with such people are never boring as you can never exhaust subjects to talk about. Esther Wangare are you getting me?

I want to tell you about Esther Wangare but I am not sure the person I am currently seeing will feel good about it. In the hope that she won’t mind, I want to explain to you why I ‘loved’ Esther Wangare. I must insist on the second name because there are many Esthers in my life.  I don’t want to mistake this Esther for another. So we are going to use E.W., like Ellen White, for SDAs.

EW is a grown ass woman trapped in a baby body. Nyakang’i you’re not the smallest. She has this smile that makes you feel like kissing her right and there. There is a way someone can smile that you feel like kissing them even without their consent. If that smile were a weapon, it would slay you to death with the first strike.

I remember EW mostly because of her beautiful brain and her tenderness. That beautiful brain could reproduce humorous conversations that were of another level. She was smartly intelligent, the kind of quiet genius that shines when it meets the right companion. Not to say that she wasn’t beautiful. She was a gorgeous woman, one a big man like me couldn’t resist. And I got attracted to her when she was first year in college. I was a boringly, old fashioned sophomore, lost in lust and discovering myself. That year I had the most confusing times of my life as I hit at woman after woman with the thought that they could help me discover myself.

One of those women was EW. Her hugs were genuine and warm. We could hang out and trade stories. Never about my feelings though, as she never, for one time, believed me when I told her I was deeply in love with her. As many women, she never did quite believe that I ever meant anything I said when it came to love. So here she was, here we were, feeling differently, strongly attracted to her, and her feeling different, that I never meant what I told her.

It didn’t make me wonder why she did that, because she wasn’t the first to tell me that. Even today, I get the same reaction until I’ve reached a point where I don’t take offense when someone tells me they don’t believe me, si mlisema hii maisha haitaki makasiriko nanii?  No matter what I tried she was never going to enter my sphere as a lover. Perhaps that would have been our undoing, if she did. While I deeply loved her, she deeply loved another guy. I don’t know if they together up to now, but they did push through college. Looking back at the guy, I quite understand why her admiration towards me couldn’t be in the way I liked. She secretly loved things I could never be. She’s entitled to like whatever she wants.

I mean, I was a mean bastard then- popular for both the right and wrong reasons, making me a hard man to love because no one could believe that I could be popular and have no several women beside me. That is the most devastating downside of fame. I still like her, but I have managed to find ways to push life without her.

Before we digressed into this neck of woods, I was talking about this young woman who was feverishly talking to me about BDSM. As the freak I am, I asked her if we could try it out.She refused. I don’t know on what grounds but I respect it because BDSM requires more than guts. Not everyone can derive pleasure from pain. Not everyone can handle pain and turn it into pleasure.

The beauty of BDSM is discovering new ways to experience pleasure apart from sex. Could you be asking if there are other ways to achieve pleasure without sex? You’ll be surprised that beyond sex there can be several ways to pleasurably have different experiences that feel almost exactly like when having an orgasm through sex or even more.

Discovering these ways is a journey with no end. It means embracing more and being more aware of your body and how it reacts to different stimuli when touched by you, others and objects. Whips, for examples can be used in this exercise. Toys can come into the mix. Straps, chains, ropes, cuffs and other objects. In these sense, they’re called tools of pleasure.

BDSM happens in a special environment, whereby you customize the place to meet the standards of what you’re doing on that particular day. Since bondage gets someone tired quickly, parties have to take breaks, trying one or two things at ago. Sometimes, they can exchange roles as the whole thing is intentional role playing.

Unlike in sex where you meet and fuck even without knowing each other, BDSM requires patience, understanding, trust and consent. I must emphasize on trust because some of the acts can be dangerous. So one has to trust the other that despite the act being dangerous, they will be there for them and ensure that they don’t get hurt.

BDSM also has aftercare stage, which is basically a communication phase that happens after you’ve finished the acts. Here, both parties discuss their experience, what they liked, what didn’t work and how they could have done better. This is quite important as it helps them understand each other and better their experiences next time for utmost pleasure.

As I was writing this, I received some bad news about the death of one of our own, a true friend, Griffins Walubokho. A young man who was a cheerful friend, one whose smile I can’t forget. Having been born with sickle cell, all his life has been a battle he has had to contend with. Each day for him has been a battle he didn’t chose. Finally, he lost to the battle. It had to win and now he has rested. I couldn’t imagine him gone, you can’t understand why because he was a champion to many, including me. At that moment, I cried because suddenly someone close to me passed on. That meant death breathing near me, that it stood near me, reminding me that I could go with it any time. It is horrifying, that someone you closely know, someone you talked to a few minutes ago could disappear from the face of the world the next minute and leave emptiness behind, and a gap that will always remind you that death is waiting to snatch you.

It is early on in the year, but death doesn’t mind. We have to mourn. So I am going to stop this story here because I can’t take it. Fare thee well brother!

Let’s meet here next time, same time.

Happy 2020!

Mzangila Snr

Where shall we go, we who wander in this wasteland in search of better selves?

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About Mzangila

Mentor, media consultant, photographer, editor, poet, writer, and counselor.

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